On April 14, Phineas Ferwinkle was walking to class from his residence on Barbee Street when he went missing. According to multiple sources, he was last seen walking along Floyd Street before he vanished. He was last seen wearing Chacos, khaki shorts, a Comfort Colors t-shirt, and an L.L. Bean bookbag. The working theory is that Mr. Ferwinkle fell into one of the various potholes and is either unconscious or too deep for his calls for help to be heard by workers above. Numerous rescue workers are on the scene, causing the already congested street to move at a snail's pace. Please avoid the area if at all possible.

I have reached out to Floyd Street, but failed to acquire an intelligible response. Our transcripts relay only deep, internal grumblings. We hope for Mr. Ferwinkle and his family's sake that these are not the sounds of digestion.

Dr. Phobos, one of Mr. Ferwinkle's professors at the J.B. Speed School of Engineering, is on record saying if Mr. Ferwinkle is found by Tuesday, April 19, then he will still be responsible for his final project due that day and all of the material on the upcoming final.

Wayne Hall, the Chief of Police and Director of Public for the University of Louisville Police Department, said, "This is a serious matter, and we are doing everything we can to locate Mr. Ferwinkle. So far, 12 of the potholes have been thoroughly searched, which means that the search is about 15 percent completed. Please remember to call our campus escort service at 502-852-6111 if you are ever in need of transportation, especially during these troubling times."

I also reached out to President Ramsey, but was unable to get an interview with him. He is busy with other matters. Instead, I received a public statement from his staff. "I, unfortunately, have heard about the disappearance of Mr. Ferwinkle. Regrettably, situations like these are ever-present in our growing metropolitan campus. We have put forth all resources available to us in order to locate Mr. Ferwinkle. I feel that I can speak for the entire University when I say that our thoughts are with him and his family."

His friends are also understandably concerned. One of his classmates, who wishes to remain anonymous, says, "Yeah, I heard about Phin. It really sucks, man. He's a great guy and doesn't deserve this. You always hear about this type of stuff but you never really expect it to hit close to home, you know? Plus Phin always took the best notes in Phob's class. I don't know how we're supposed to pass without him. That might be what sucks the most about this. Everything about this sucks."

The entire University is currently using this troubling news as a means of procrastination. If you have any information, then please call the University Police Department. I will keep you updated as breaking news becomes available.