Today is June 14, 2000---

I turned seven years old thirteen days ago. My mother is six months pregnant with my sister who I prayed would be a brother. She's a single, full-time-job-having modern day Superwoman, if you ask me. The pressures and stressors that suffocate her are more than I can even begin to understand. Anyway, she needs help. "Your grandma will be here today!" she tells me. I haven't seen my grandma since I was too small to remember anymore. I am so excited! I'll never forget the little TV guide that I wrote for her, which of course included Disney and Nickelodeon and probably a bunch of other stuff she'd obviously not want to be watching. The first few days that she's here are like a sleepover. But as the weeks and eventually months pass, I realize she's not leaving. In just a few weeks, I went from the most spoiled, only-child 7 year old, to a big sister who had to make her bed every morning before she could go play; I'd learned how to wash my own dishes and I'd been popped in the mouth a few times for my bad attitude. This was a change that I was not prepared for, and I was MAD.

Years went by and I thought I'd never get used to having her around. As a young child who was used to living life with just mom and I, grandma shook up everything I knew. We didn't always get along -- let's be honest, we almost never got along. I was a brat. It's a wonder I didn't run her out.

I must've been in my 20s before I ever started to truly realize how much she'd done for me. She left a life as a thriving dice dealer in Las Vegas to be here for us, because that's what family does. She loved selflessly and unconditionally. Every kid in my neighborhood I grew up with and now every 20-something year old I know calls her granny. It didn't matter where you were from or what you needed, it didn't matter how much we had, granny was going to take care of you.

I'm not sure when I realized that you were the most influential woman in my life. That I was watching your every move growing up, and even when I thought I hated you, I was learning. That you were my biggest supporter, my counselor, my motivation, my chauffeur, my doctor, my teacher, and my most dedicated fan. 16 years later and until two months ago, I would call your phone when I got a stain on my shirt because I didn't know how to get it out, but you did. I'd call you in Walmart to ask how you made my favorite foods. You never used a cookbook, you just knew. I guess that comes with being a grandma -- You just KNOW.

October 30th, 2016- 11:54pm
Doing homework that I've procrastinated on all week. My phone rings and it's my mom. My heart sinks and I can feel my breathing get heavy. Why is she calling this late? Please, God, don't let this be the call. "Hello?" She sounds calm. She makes small talk until she realizes that I'm on edge. WHAT HAS HAPPENED. "She isn't going to make it through the night." It feels like years go by between every breath now. But I just saw her a few weeks ago. You told me she was doing better. She wanted to see me graduate. She wanted to watch me succeed and live the beautiful life she helped me to lay out.

I text her to let her know how much I love her, because that's just kinda what we do. For two months I've texted her every time I think about it just to say I love you, and she always tells me she loves me too.

October 31, 2016- 2:11am
A phone call wakes me up, it's my grandma! When we connect she can't speak. Wow, this may really be it. I'm fighting the tears because I don't want her to know I'm broken and scared. I tell her over and over and over again how much I love her and she mumbles inaudibly. I know she loves me, I just desperately wanted to be able to hear it one more time... just one more... Maybe I'm just selfish, but I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be five hours away and watch my entire life change. She is my rock...
She used to tell me "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm livin', my baby you'll be."

November 2, 2016- 12:50pm
It's been a few days since the first call, when you were given only a few hours. Now I can't help but feel hopeful. Maybe they were wrong. You're going to make it. You're going to pull through! You're a fighter. You're stubborn, you're strong, and YOU ARE A FIGHTER.

Phone rings, it's mom... she's not calm this time. She tells me you're not suffering anymore, you don't feel any more pain, and you loved me more than I'll ever know.

My life will never be the same without you. Not a day will go by that I'm not missing you so badly it hurts. Until we meet again, my sweet, sweet angel. I promise I'll make you proud.