These words aren't meant for everybody or for them to judge me for the things I'm about to say. Writing just helps me to heal and understand the thoughts I'm thinking. So if you find any of this offensive I hope you consider how I feel and what I'm going through.

Nothing in life is easy.

Read that again and let that sink in.

Nothing in life is easy.

I've realized that in this life things will happen. People will hurt you. You'll hurt people. It's a perpetual circle that keeps going around and around. Nothing stops it, it just keeps going. No matter how hard you try life just keeps going whether you go with it or not.

Even when we don't think we can lift our head from our pillow, life keeps going on. Until our last breath. Life slips away so easily. In the blink of an eye, the one you love could be gone. The one you never thought would leave your side is gone in a second. The person you grew up with your entire life won't be there for all the big moments in your life. And then you realize there's nothing you can do that will bring them back.

You sit around asking yourself the question why? Why me? Why us? Why? Why? Why? Why did that person have to go? What did we do to deserve this? Then suddenly you realize that you didn't do anything to deserve this and there's no answer to the question.

Nobody deserves the tragedies that happen in our lives. People like to say that everything happens for a reason. Well, I don't believe that. In my life I've realized that not everything does happen for a reason. Sometimes things are just pure luck. Sometimes we don't get the things we deserve. Sometimes things happen unexpectedly. Such as accidents. Really bad ones.

Sometimes life just gets away from us. We think we can do things that we can't. We feel like we're unstoppable. Fearless. Powerful. We can do anything if we try hard enough or work hard enough. Isn't that what everybody tells us growing up? That if you try hard enough the thing that you desire will come to you?

So what was that statement I told you to read at the beginning?

Nothing in life is easy.

I didn't tell you that I lost both a cousin and an uncle in a span of less than six months. I didn't tell you they were both under the age of twenty seven. I didn't tell you that to me, family is the most important thing in this world. I didn't tell you my cousin was more like the little brother I never had.

I mean what even defines a brother? Blood relation? or the bond that you make with somebody? Our bond was like no other. He was an idiot, but he was one of the funniest people I knew. Whenever anybody was having a bad day he would walk in and say something along the lines of, "What's wrong cuz?" or "Whose ass am I beating up today?" He always had a lot of people's backs. That was kind of what he was good for. That was the kind of man that he grew up to be.

There's no words to describe the way I feel right now. My heart has never hurt so much and I've never felt so much pain. Memories run through my head all the time like a homemade movie that never stops playing. Reliving all the stupid things we did growing up. Trying to hear his voice hoping it never fades away. Twenty years worth of time that I got to spend with my partner in crime and one of my best friends taken in the blink of an eye.

One of my favorite memories was when he taught me how to punch. As we stood in that kitchen his hands out and me punching at him. Granted we were only doing this because we were bored and his mom wouldn't take us to Walmart, we were still doing something he loved to do. Then when we told us we were going out of excitement I went to hug him and ended up punching him in the face and making him bleed. In that kitchen he taught me how to defend myself, but in his lifetime he has taught me so much more.

I remember getting the phone call from my mom the night it happened. Hearing the words there was an accident. Not understanding completely what that meant. What kind of accident? He'll be okay right mom? Hearing the words "He's gone" slip out of my mom's mouth. Bursting into tears as I try to remove the vivid thought of him being hit by a train. Asking God why my family? Why with everything that has happened this year? Why more tragedy?

For a while I was angry. I was angry at God. I blamed him for taking the life of my cousin. When it was my cousin who I should have been mad at. He had an addiction to drugs. We all knew he did. That day when his life was taken, he was high and made a mistake. The drug made his visual perception off. He ran in front of that train and that's why he's not here. One bad call. One mistake. That's all it took to take the life of him, but like I said he was an idiot. However, I wasn't mad at him.

When it came down to it, I wasn't mad at my cousin. I was proud of him. I keep telling myself I can't dwell on the fact that he's gone. I have to remember all of the things that he did in his twenty years of life.

I never thought my cousin would make it through high school. He struggled a lot with his schoolwork. He did wrestling. He played football. He did a bunch of different things. He ended up taking a test online and getting his high school diploma. I was proud of him then.

My cousin dated a lot of girls. I only approved of 2 of his girlfriends, until he started realistically dating Kayla. Kayla was and is a blessing our lives. Jake was a different person when he was with her. Of course like any guy, he had his ups and downs, but he was better when he had her. I was still proud of him then.

We all thought he would have had a kid. Sophia Grace. A beautiful angel, and a beautiful baby. She'll never really get to know her daddy. But man for what little time he had with her he sure did love her. If you asked me if I thought my cousin would make a good dad when I found out Kayla was pregnant I would have probably told you no. However, as it got closer to her birth and as soon as she was born something changed. My cousin loved her so much and thought she was the coolest thing. He loved showing her off and what a gift to this world she truly has been. It was cool to see my cousin transition from a boy to a father. He was a good one too and I was the most proud of him in this instance.

He continued to make me proud through his life. He was my punk little brother. He got into a lot of trouble and made stupid choices, but those choices didn't have to define his life. His life was defined by the people who's heart he touched. The people who still care. His death continues to affect my day-to-day life, but I know he wouldn't want any of to continue to be sad. He's up there watching over us and laughing when he makes us run into things or just messes with us in general. I know twenty years isn't a long time to be on the Earth, but twenty years was worth a lifetime of memories made with my cousin.