I have always lived a double life.

The first life, the life of a Hong Kong kid, born and raised in a upper-middle class family. The second life, the life of an international student in the US.

I have been fortunate enough to attend some of the most highly regarded schools in both Hong Kong and in the US. I grew up speaking both Chinese and English, and even though many of my relatives and family friends have called me “鬼妹” (meaning foreign, usually Caucasian, girl) since seventh grade, I still knew that I was Chinese. I never doubted who I was, and where I was from.

I have never been conscious about where I was from until I started my sophomore year in high school in the US. I have always been a part of the majority – my tanned skin and dark brown hair never failed to blend in with the rest of my classmates, even though Chinese girls are known for their fair, light-colored skin and black hair.

It was quite the shock going from being a part of the majority to being a part of the minority.

I went to a boarding school where a little less than 25% of the students were considered international students. Even though a fair amount of my classmates at boarding school shared my Chinese heritage, I didn’t feel like a part of them. I have been raised in a westernized environment, which made it difficult to connect with them on an emotional level. I fell into the gray box between being Chinese and being white, but also the box between being a domestic student and an international student.

For the past four years, I was made to feel that I wasn’t Chinese enough. I was that girl who didn’t fit in either box in terms of culture. Comments like “you’re Asian, therefore you must be really good at…” and “oh, [insert a white stereotype here] is such a white thing” constantly came up in conversations. I have even been told that I have been “whitewashed”, and that I am not really considered Chinese.

I slowly lost my first identity, my cultural heritage and the city I called home all my life.

But what does it mean to be “too Asian” or “too white”?

Does liking math make me more Asian? Does my obsession with Patagonia fleece jackets make me more white? Why do the ways I present myself to the rest of the world bind me in the box between white and yellow?

I did, over time, rediscover my identity. Even though moving back and forth constantly makes one identity superior to the other, I realized that I had the chance to grow up with “the best of both worlds”. I found friends that allowed me to connect with both sides of me and a home in both communities.

After all, I am not defined by my race and ethnicity, but rather, who I am as a person.

I am Chinese, but being Chinese does not mean that I only communicate in Chinese and listen to Chinese music. I can speak in four different languages, and I like to listen to the US Top 50 Spotify playlist.

I am Chinese, but being Chinese does not mean that I am good at math and science. I am a psychology major and my academic interests lie in the social sciences, creative writing and visual arts realms.

I am Chinese, but being Chinese does not mean that I have to fit in to all the Asian stereotypes.

I am just a college freshman trying to find a place in the world. I know I don’t need to apologize for my two identities. The only person I owe an apology to is me, because it has taken me 17 years to fully discover where I belong.