In 2014 I went to the emergency room twice, got married, and moved. It’s no coincidence that I also weighed more than I ever had before. I was stressed out and was too busy/poor to eat a healthy diet, let alone go to the gym for an hour. While on my honeymoon, I got very sick. I went to the doctor and got some medicine but never felt any better. It took several more doctor’s visits, and many lab tests to get a diagnosis: the bacterial infection permanently changed my gut flora. My doctor told me that I was basically a new person, as far as my digestive system goes, and I had to change my entire diet. He started me on the low-FODMAP diet. FODMAP stands for “fermentable oligo-, di-, monosaccharides and polyols”, which is the technical way to say “foods that’ll make you feel like poo, and also make you poo a lot”. The whole idea is to eat less high-FODMAP foods, and eat more low-FODMAP foods, while being very strict on portion control.

This diet has changed. my. life.

In exactly two years I have lost over 50 pounds. I have lost an entire wardrobe, three times over. I have lost junk food, migraines, and chronic back pain. But I never expected to lose my confidence.

I know, it seems counterintuitive right? But when you are significantly overweight, you have to not care. It gets to the point where you hate every picture, hate looking in the mirror, hate shopping, and basically everything. So you stop caring. And when I didn’t care and just kind of “owned” the extra fluff, I felt great! I had a blast at my wedding, I wasn’t obsessed about stupid things like how my strapless dress probably made it look like I had back-boobs. I still went out and had fun on Friday nights, like everyone else. There was just more of me to have it. When you start to lose a large amount of weight, in a small amount of time, you are constantly bombarded with, “oh my god you look so great!” “You are stunning!” “What is your secret?” Don’t get me wrong, it feels so good to have some positive affirmation, but it’s toxic. Because when the weight loss inevitably stops, or maybe even reverses, those affirmations stop and the silence is deafening. Now if I gain a pound or two I get so discouraged. I worry that I am on the road to gaining all of the weight back, without even considering whether it could be something as simple and as natural as PMS water retention. I can’t eat confidently anymore. Am I eating too much? Will this make me sick? Will this make me gain weight? It’s hard to even have a weekend treat on date night without feeling guilty.

I have lost weight before, but always gained it right back. I hope this time is different. I now focus on how food makes my body feel, rather than obsess over counting points and logging workouts. Weight is something I will probably be trying to lose for the rest of my life, but I hope as my journey continues, I will gain some of my confidence back.