Mattoon is the kind of very small town where everyone knows everyone; when someone breaks up you hear, and when a friend group is in a fight you surely know. Not a thing in our town is sacred and just about everything is shared. We all hang out in the same spots and know where everyone works and who is dating who ALL of the time. I kinda like it that way until things like this happen.

For those of you that are residents of Mattoon that have lived and breathed the Lender's Bagel's air and are alumni of the Greenwave know exactly what I am talking about before I have even said it but here it goes, the loss that hits home.

Monday night I got one of the worst texts I could have possibly imagined.

"I need you to pray for Austin right now, he got in a fight and he's hurt real bad."

My first reaction was to ask a million questions like I usually do but I was a whirlwind of emotions and I felt like answers would make me feel grounded and in control of my emotions. However, the more I found out, the more I felt like a basket case. So, I prayed. Talking to God has always been easy for me when I am desperate and I am never afraid to get down on my knees and cry and admit to him that I need him to help me or someone I love. I began talking to all the people I knew and notified them about Austin and to be praying also. But, it came up short. On Wednesday, June 21st, I received the call that absolutely broke my heart.

As far as losses go, I am not the best at losing anything unless it is a game of cards. People are so sacred to me that I want everyone in my life all at once and losing people in any form of my life is very hard for me, that is just my personality. On the contrary, I have never actually lost a very close friend to me. This hits me in a very rare wave I was not prepared for. I was mad; Mad at myself for not being there for him, that I didn't prevent it, that I didn't know, that I didn't save him, or that I let this happen at the hands of someone else. I was infuriated that his life had been belittled down to someone's impulsive decision on a whim of a word that was faulty. And even more infuriated that all of these people had taken to social media to say insensitive things and argue about things they knew nothing about because at the end of the day, a life was lost and that was what was really important not the dirty details.

The next feeling I really experienced was heartache. I feel like this is typical in a loss. I find myself in a kind of lull of memories and flashbacks of times with him and the things we did together. No matter how crazy my life was, I always felt at peace around Austin. I experienced a very hard relationship for awhile and Austin had always supported me and came to cheer me up when everything fell to pieces. He'd show up at two in the morning on my front porch and call me to come out and talk. He could talk for hours upon hours about nothing it seemed like and then just fall asleep on the swing and leave in the early hours. Or he was taking me on crazy adventures to places I had never been just so I could say I had done it. He was so full of life and lived in a way I was envious of and wish I could do. Not a soul had any harsh feelings against Austin. My heart aches for him, his family, and all of us close to him or anyone that even encountered him. He loved people in a way I wish everyone could. And it breaks my heart that I can't get any of that back.

Part of me just lingers. I wonder how we are supposed to do anything we used to do without him there. I wonder how I am supposed to come home to a town that is missing an essential piece and say that I still feel at home. I wonder if people feel the same way I do and are afraid to go out into the world because of things like this. I wonder sometimes how I am supposed to tell my kids when I have them that this world is a great place when things like this happen to people I love so much that are such great people. But that is just the world isn't it? We live our lives obliviously thinking everything is our right and that we are entitled to things if we are good people and follow all the rules.

But, it's not.

Austin meant the world to me and so many other people and my heart aches seeing the pain of so many people just written on their faces. He deserved so much more than what he got and the feelings of that come in waves for me that sometimes feel like tsunamis just as I am sure they do for other people too. I'm not going to say "it will be okay" because I don't know that and cannot speak on the behalf of other people's feelings, but I can say that a loss like this that hits like a tsunami and shakes up all of our lives can be just a little bit more manageable if we all do it together. This isn't just one person's loss, it's a loss that hits home.

This article is in memory of Austin Michael McDowell.

June 26, 1998 - June 21, 2017