There are many things that I had nightmares about as a young child such as: being in a room with a million bugs, meeting Oompa Loompas from the original "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," the Stephen King Movie, "Pet Semetary," or losing my puppies Leah and Tia.
One I never thought about was losing a parent. A parent is the first human we know, our first best friends, and our caregivers. I was a careless kid; I thought my father was invincible. You grow up with this theory of your parent being super woman or superman that will always be there to save you.
But then the cape falls and they aren’t….
Your heart is racing, but it is like everything is in slow motion when you hear the news. Like a bad dream that you can’t get out of. Your world has been turned upside down, and your heart, no matter how much support you have from everyone, is completely shattered and you feel completely empty. You feel physically in pain from this hurt. Some strange anger stems from the world not stopping on its axis. At this point, you feel like a shell of a person then days blur and “I’m sorry for your loss” and “they aren’t hurting anymore” fill them. Deny everything was my mindset, I will wake up at some point and everything will be back to normal. Except dreams never felt this bad, and you’ve never cried this much. Sleeping has become impossible with them in every one. Every other day, you aren’t sure if you want people close or to be alone, so sometimes you lash out when you don’t mean to then feel bad about that in the long run.
Learning to function without them is the hardest part. What do you do when the person who was supposed to guide you isn’t there anymore? What do you do when your protector is gone? It becomes hard not to hit the people who say, "Well, they are with you in spirit.” You know everyone means well, but you are so tired, and so done with this life. You have never missed someone so much.
How do you get out of this nightmare? I know it is one of the most cliché things you have ever heard, but it takes time. I would have never believed it, but it does. You will never forget your parent, but as months go by, the ache dulls a bit. Nobody can tell you how long that is going to be so don’t let them. I can’t tell you that your life is going to be a bed of roses; you’re going to get jealous and sad on holidays and you’re going to get sad at points that aren’t even significant, but I do have important news.
You are a better person because of them. This will strengthen you to no end, and possibly bring your family closer. You are great because they loved you, and you will always have a piece of them with you, and you will slowly start to discover all of their traits and quirks they instilled in you. All of those wonderful memories you made together will still play in your head, so that you can cherish them forever, and truth is they aren’t in pain anymore, and for that I know I am so thankful.
Still, I want to say I am sorry for you loss, I send my condolences to you and your family, no matter how long it has been, I know it is still painful.
R.I.P. Alan Channell "Big Al"
March 20, 1976- August 22, 2013
