Today, on September 29, 2016, my biological mother past away. Totally unexpected-just gone like that. In her prime at age 38. You see, she and I were never really close. We have had a hell of a past, which prevented me from ever fully trusting her, relating with her, and made telling her "I love you," hard. However, now that she is gone forever, I find myself with this numb feeling; this ache and I don't know why. Maybe it is because I see my little brothers and sister's world crumbling before them. To them, she was a wonderful mother and was loved so dearly. They just lost their mom...and the young age of 10, 12 and 18. Maybe it's because I see my grandma, who I know as 'Mom' to me, having to bury another child...something a mother should never have to do. Maybe it's because I see my aunt struggling to keep everyone else afloat and okay, never allowing herself to grieve. Like my little brother Jake, she bottles things up inside, and won't let anyone know she's hurting. Perhaps this numbness I'm feeling is because my mother relentlessly tried to have a relationship with me, and I refused to let bygones be bygones. Maybe it's a mix of all these things. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how to feel. I'd like to say everything will be okay, but I know it won't. Little Ellie shares the same birthday as our mother, and now this joyous day will always have a sadness attached to it. Kaleb lost a best friend, as he and our mother were very close. Jacob was also very close with his mother, and I pray he don't keep his thoughts and suffering to himself. As for me, I keep seeing all the text messages, the constant phone calls, and the cards she wrote me that I never wanted to , and seldom did, reply to. I know God has a plan for everything that happens...and that it all happens for a reason. However, at this moment I just want to scream at Him for allowing this to happen to my family. I don't understand what good can come out of it, although you never know, really. I am pretty sure my mother was a Christian. I know she went to church, and prayed. I'd like to think she is in Heaven at this moment. I hope she is watching over my Mom, my Aunt Lori, Kaleb, Jacob, and Ellen right now. I hope she is giving them strength because they need it more than anything right now. As for me, I will continue writing this because it is the only way I can put how I'm feeling into words. It's the only way I can keep myself from completely breaking down because I need to remain strong for my family. And, even though it goes against everything I want to do right now, I will pray. I will pray for peace and love. I will pray that God watches over my family "a little extra" for these next few weeks. I'll pray he gives us all strength. I'll pray because I know none of us can endure this alone.
Psalm 23:4“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
