The eleven year anniversary of your death was the other day and it hit me that it's really been eleven years since that day I found out you were gone. We were never close and I swore to myself that you hated me because you always picked on me but you were still my brother. You were still the one sibling I did everything for just so I could hang out with you or get you to like me. You were my big brother that I looked up to. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like with you here. What would you look like? Where would you be? Would you have kids by now? What kind of uncle would you be?
It's hard to explain how it feels sometimes but this quote sums it up. "After a trauma, your body is at its most vulnerable. Response time is critical. So you’re suddenly surrounded by people, doctors, nurses, specialists, technicians. Surgery is a team sport. Everyone pushing for the finish line, putting you back together again. But surgery is a trauma in and of itself, and once it’s over, the real healing begins. We call it recovery. Recovery is not a team sport. It’s a solitary distance run. It’s long. It’s exhausting and it’s lonely as hell. The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries and is not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were. You might not even recognize yourself. It’s like you haven’t recovered anything at all. You’re a whole new person with a whole new life.'' - Grey's Anatomy.
After a death you feel the trauma and you're surrounded by family members that try to put you back together again but once it's over you have to heal. What they didn't tell me was that I would be healing for the rest of my life. What they didn't tell me is that I could never go back to my old life. I had to start over without my brother.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day my mom and step dad picked me up from my cousins and told me the news when I got in the car. Or sometimes I wish you were never in that car with your friends but I'm a religious person and I know God has his reasons. I caught myself questioning him. I wonder why he took you? Then I wonder why he took so many other people I knew as well.
It took awhile but I finally just had to trust that God put my brother in a better place as well as everyone else. It was the hardest thing ever. To finally accept that the person you grew up with was physically gone. Some days I wanted to just sit in my room and listen to music and just be alone but I knew that's not how you heal. I did it anyways. I didn't properly heal myself so I resented myself and my family. I created a horrible attitude that wasn't okay. They didn't tell me that would happen when I lost him.
Even though he lived in Marshall with my dad and went to school there everyone knew him in Longview. So when everyone found out about his death they wanted to ask questions or give me hugs and condolences. I just wanted to be left alone. It's like living in the shadow of someone but that person is no longer here. So every time I met someone new and they asked for my name and found out I was his sister they brought back the pain. It's like they couldn't just let me grieve in peace or just not bring him up.
Days, weeks, and months go by and the pain slowly goes away. You start to realize that life has gone by and you haven't really thought about it that much. As a twelve year old you don't have much of a life besides school and whatever school activities you participate in which I didn't do because of the rough year I had. If I could go back I would do as much as I could to take my mind off of losing you. I would fight off the depression instead of letting it take over. But everything happens for a reason I guess.
Now I'm not here to make you all cry or sad because this story ends well. My brother had a good life. Plenty of girlfriends, always had fun (probably too much fun) and never had any problems. But what they didn't tell you about losing a sibling is that for the rest of your life you'll do whatever it takes to make them proud whether they're here or not. Because that sibling loved you no matter what and wanted to see you thrive in life.
Over the years everyone has moved on in their own way. Many new things have happened, good and bad. Marriages, divorces, deaths, new additions to the family, etc. but every time something happens I stop and wish you were there for it but I know somewhere and somehow you are. That makes all of this better and easier to go through. Now I hug my loved ones a little tighter.
What I've learned from this whole experience is that no matter how bad you want to be left alone you don't need to be alone. Talking to a friend, family member, or professional will help. Let people give their condolences, it's the nice thing to do. Do whatever or join whatever group/activity to take your mind off of it. Join a support group or blog to write about it or write about feelings. Let it out and don't keep it bottled in it. That's what they didn't tell me about losing a sibling.
