There are many things in this world that no one wants to happen, especially to someone they care about. This does not just include family or friends. It can be someone who you know deserves better but is affected by something society continuously ignores. And because of this, I lost my stepfather, who I wish was still here.

What is it like to lose someone in this way?

To know someone loved you and cared about you, but thought you would be better off without them, hurts like hell. At first, it feels like a sledgehammer hitting you in the chest every day. Your emotions are like a switch, and, as hard you try to fight it, you fail. We still feel the pain after less than a year. Except, it has dulled just enough to get through the day without losing control of our emotions.

My mom made a smart decision though: she went to counseling. Me? I went back to school, knowing that I did not want to quit trying. If I had, I would have been failing to attain what I always wanted for myself. Thus, giving up was not an option.

I did have some off days, though. There were moments I'm not proud of, stupid things I said, and much more. And, while I still do have those days, things don't turn out quite so bad.

Thing is, I needed help to combat the anger and every other emotion that affected me. Losing someone this way tears you apart. Things crumble around you, some rendering themselves more troublesome than the rest. And most of the damage is mental. I had mastered control over things at this point in my life, which was good. Then we lost him, and because of that, my PTSD, which was low enough at the time, soared back up. This meant worse anxiety, awkwardness, and so much more. To not have that locus of control scared me to death, so much that I tried in vain to not become that monster again, who I knew could ruin everything. It wasn't healthy.

And, as a few friends can correlate, I made more bad decisions about my health than good. Some days I would barely eat because I was so stressed out and wanted more than anything to just focus and forget. My bluff was called fairly quick, though, and I have been even more grateful for this person ever since. They made sure I ate more and always told me exactly what needed to be said. I owe them more praise than I have ever given them.

What mostly affected me though was the fact that he knew I had been through hell in the past and did not reach out. I know it sounds selfish. And I also know that some people don't try to reach out for their own reasons. I just wish I could have known, even with the knowledge that he is no long in pain.

Do not think that you have no chance of come back from this, though. I'm working my way back still, getting stronger every day. And, to get through something this traumatic you may need a few things. I recommend: good friends, loving family, and help from someone who you are comfortable with. As mentioned above, not everyone wants to reach out for this help. I highly recommend it, though. Also remember: no one can force you to heal on their time. Healing a wound of any nature requires care and patience. You may open it up by accident, but it will heal.

So, my main pieces of advice for you all, in any situation really, would be:

Make sure you are okay and not rushing into anything because someone says you will enjoy it. Their happiness does not reign over your own decisions. And, find things you enjoy while conquering your barriers at a reasonable pace. It is not a recipe for instant success, but it makes life so much better.