On September 29th, 2016, I turned 18. When you turn 18, you become a legal adult so naturally, you expect things to change. However, what happened to me I had not expected or anticipated at all.
A little less than a month after I turned 18, On October 19th, 2016, my mother passed away. I had been in college for only two months before my entire life changed. I was visiting one of my best friends in Syracuse, when suddenly I got a call from my dad, telling me that I should come home. Everything happened so quickly, that I couldn’t process things as quickly as they were happening. I wasn’t prepared to lose her, even if she was sick for a year prior. I would tell you how I was feeling but honestly, I can’t even describe those two weeks as hard as I may try. All I can say is that my strength was tested more than I can imagine during those two weeks.
Losing a parent is different for everyone. However, when you're like me, and had just turned 18, It’s a different experience altogether. Everyone expected me to not be able to handle it and to just be falling apart at all times. While falling apart would be completely acceptable, and I did my share of it, I’m proud of how I handled it. I discovered a new side of myself that had been hiding until I needed to become that person, the person who keeps themselves together so everyone else can break down without needing to worry about me. I didn’t want people worrying about me, it was the last thing I wanted. I can’t remember who said it, but there’s a quote that says “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” I didn’t know the true meaning of that, until being strong was the only choice I had either. Like I said though, everyone copes differently, and not being okay, is completely okay. No one expects you to be okay. Handle it whatever way works for you, because there’s no right or wrong way to take news like that.
The worst thing during those two weeks were full grown adults who had maybe lost parents within the last few years pretending that they knew exactly what my brother and I were going through. While I know they had the best intentions at heart, and I thank them for trying to make us feel like we weren’t alone, they had no idea what we were going through. We’re 18, and 21. We had to try to cope with knowing that our mom wouldn’t be around to see us graduate college, get married, have children or watch our children grow up or even continue to watch us growing up. I feel as if my life has barley started while her's is over. Everyone was trying to tell me they knew what I was going through, when in reality, very few people actually fully understood. The best thing anyone could do was do just be there to support us.
Coming back to school after that was challenging, as well as a relief. I finally had a distraction. A distraction was what I needed more than anything. But, that distraction was stress filled. I was working harder than I ever had in my life to catch up. And I had only been back for two weeks, while I was still grieving, when I needed to go home again because I got mono. So than basically I was trying to make up a months worth of work in three weeks, while also keeping up with current assignments. I’m lucky that my professors were so understanding and gave me extensions and worked with me on assignments that were almost impossible to make up. However, I also hated needing special accommodations, so I just really couldn’t win, no matter what. I’m the kind of person who hated being treated differently, or being pitied. However, accepting I couldn’t do it all on my own, while difficult, was one of the best things I could’ve done. Accepting help is nothing to be ashamed of, I just wish I had realized it earlier.
I wouldn’t call myself 100% better now. Knowing I won’t see her after months away at school is the worst feeling I know. However, I’m definitely in a good place and I’m not the same person I was when I stood in that hospital room. I have my friends and family to thank for helping me though such a hard time, and I wish I could repay everyone who helped in the slightest. All I can say is thank you.
I miss you mom, but everything I do from this point on, is for you. Thank you for making me who I am today. I’m lucky to be the daughter of you and dad. I hope I make you proud.
