How I so often find my eyes glued to the ceiling. I can’t count the amount of times that I have gotten back from class and only to collapse on the floor and continue the daily long fought staring contest with the ceiling. There are no tears, no sadness, and yet no slight bobbing of the head dancing to an imaginary catchy tune. Just a deep sigh and the muttered words “Wow. Life is so real”. I guess with the perception of college nowadays, we spring up fresh out of high school waiting for an experience that is much like a melting pot of "High School Musical" and "Project X," but to my surprise, I find myself now so often choosing to be among the quiet flowers, reading books while simultaneously throwing hunks of bread at any raccoon that wants to pretend to be my aquaintance.
In High School I was about as much of a social butterfly as one could be. I was a fein for spontaneity and most nights would find myself on a night drive with my best friends. We kept the windows down with no plans but to crank music and follow the only star that would show up in our city sky. The best nights were spent getting Del Taco before climbing onto the roof solely to speak into the silent crisp air of 4am. Three weeks before I left for college my skin was practically crawling with the urge to start this new adventure. All of my rowdy nights of eating pizza in the middle of the street at 3am were about to get “college-ified” which is the best because it means all the fun but with more independence am I right? But boy oh boy, did I have no idea what this new adventure would entail.
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After a long and loved summer, I entered my new life the way God intended me to- On a red Big-wheel Razor Scooter. I showed up flying (and still fly) to my classes on what I liked to call the "Red Chariot", all while basically shouting “Here I am world, take it or leave it” without a single word ever having to leave my lips. I was ready to take on the world, make new friends, new memories, new everything. In the midst of my excitement I started to feel a pull in a direction I’ve never felt before. Slowly I found myself spending passing periods in the bookstore and finding a nice quite place to sit alone. Automatically my thoughts started telling my mind it needed to panic, “Why do you want to be alone? You hate reading, since when do you like to read? Are you depressed? Having a hard time making friends? Not meant to be at this school? There has to be a reason you all the sudden like to be alone”. For so long I was fighting this desire to be desolate and to spread my vines and sit comfortably like the wall flower I was longing to be. Something had to be wrong, this simply wasn't me. I began to feel like I was failing “myself” or that outgoing and constantly active social butterfly I had always been. But as the desire to be a wall flower called louder than Del Taco could shout for me at 4am, I began to accept this new part of myself as I quickly became enthralled by the beauty of being an observer.
Never in my life have I been unsure of who I was or who I might end up to be, until I came to college. Although, it usually goes the other way around, doesn't it? I have always been told that college is the magical land where people “find themselves”. Because of this I assumed that I was in the clear since I had already felt as though I knew who I was. Except for the fact that I was brutally blinded sided with the unknown knowledge that this popular saying can go both ways of course. Although I may be experiencing new feelings of desolate observation, I would hesitate to say that my personality is changing. Undoubtedly, I would be more comfortable with saying that it is more so expanding. Even though I am taking on the love of quiet nights reading by myself instead of going out, If someone were to put on “Party in the USA” during a lecture of 400 students after getting me in a bet to start dancing, you bet your bottom dollar I would get up and be the world's next Miley Cyrus until the professor shut me down. I don't really know the person I will be when I finish my time here at college, but I do know that I am no longer going to fight it.
