When you lose something there comes a moment, just a small one. It’s a thump, maybe a bang, because it’s moment you realize the value of what you had lost. It’s the slight, tingling fear of never getting it back. Maybe it was your valuable new phone, maybe it was your last-minute essay that disappeared on your computer (I always forget to save mine).
For me, I lost my creativity – I forgot how to write.
I forgot how to do the thing that I love the most. It was a moment of going back to school after a long break and forgetting how to write your name. You know, that feeling of complete blankness. Everything just fades for that split second.
I didn’t realize that I lost my creativity until I became a part of UMD’s Odyssey. Ironic, isn’t it? It took me forever, I mean, foreverto find an article topic to write about. I haven’t written anything in over a year. I had fallen off the horse and after a long, challenging time I decided to get back on.
How could I call myself a writer, when I stopped caring about escaping away from my reality? A reality that sucked me away because I became too busy. A robotic monotonic writer. I became too busy because of college. I wrote essays instead of stories. I wrote book reports instead of fanfiction. I cried tears of sadness instead of my happiness. I was in a dark hole and now I’m finally climbing out of it.
Something I recently realized about myself is that I don’t like to ask for help. On the occasion, I will, when I really need it. But in general, I hate asking for help. Part of it is probably because of anxiety and the fear of embarrassing myself. Since I was a kid I always received help even when I didn’t need it. Teachers and adults just assumed I was this lost puppy and wouldn’t survive in the big, cruel world. The world isn’t always scary, it has those moments.
For me, I’m new at the University of Maryland and it was a difficult transition coming from a small college. At first, it was terrifying but once you get used to it, it gets better.
What I want most is to be the person I was before, and the person I am now. One day, I promise you that I will back to my creative self. But for now, now is taking little moments to breathe again. To feel whole again and just watch the view at the Mckeldin Mall.
