Losing a loved one takes a toll on anyone. We do not think it will ever happen to us, so we might take what we have for granted. There was never a time in my life where I thought my Nana was not going to be there for me. I know it sounds silly, but it seemed as if she was going to live forever. She was supposed to watch me graduate, come to my wedding, meet my kids, just be with me forever.
Second semester of freshman year had just started and death was not on my mind at all. The second I got that call, I knew my life was going to be flipped upside down. I had never gone through something like this before. I felt like my insides were ripped out, stomped on, and then just hung inside me, lifeless. All our old memories ran through my mind until I realized I was no longer going to have my best friend, my traveling buddy, my pilot, my main support in my life anymore. I never felt so alone before. I cried and cried because it just did not seem real and I didn't understand.
Growing up, I was her right hand, her go to and she was mine. Not being with her during her final days still haunts me today. There are endless what ifs, what if I was there? What if I picked up the phone the night before she got sick? What if I could have done more? But none of those matter now, because as hard as it is to come to accept, she's happy, she is no longer in pain. That was the worst thing I have ever had to grasp, but it is true. To see her suffer for so long was selfish, but now, she is free.
For a while, I was angry, spiteful, and a completely different person. I was trying to adjust, but I just couldn't bear it, knowing I would never be able to call her to tell her how awesome I was doing in a class, or how I need to change my major, or how I couldn't wait to come home and go get dinner with her. I was masking the pain by not talking to my family and shutting them out. My friends were next on the list and I felt so cold.
The important part of this is coming to realize that, moving on is not forgetting about her. It is understanding that it was her time, and now it is mine. It is my time to demonstrate everything she taught me, and how to be the person she would have wanted to see. Death is such a dreary topic no one wants to face, but everyone goes through. At the end of the day, you have to remind yourself how blessed you were to know such a wonderful person. I will always love and think about my Nana, but I would never consider it a "good-bye," more of a see you later.
