No one ever thinks suicide is going to affect them personally.

Everyone likes to push it aside and try to believe it is not happening.
But believe me, IT IS HAPPENING. And we need to talk about it.

The more we talk about it, the more it is realize that this is real and we have the power to change it. Suicide is a hard conversation. You never want to believe that your own friend is struggling with thoughts of killing themselves.

I went to a few Out of the Darkness Suicide Walks and they have all been touching; but the one I recently went to in February really spoke to me and inspired me. The speaker said something that changed my perspective. He said and emphasized, make sure you ask your friends, “Are you planning on killing yourself today?” It is such a hard conversation to have but these are the conversations you need to be starting. YOU need to begin the conversation because they don’t want to and they will not. They could want to talk about it but refuse to bother you. You could have a conversation that could save a life.

I have never felt heartache like this until I lost my dear friend in April of 2016. I remember hearing it for the first time and I refused to believe it. I sat in shock. I remember receiving 40+ texts within minutes that I just could not respond to. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t sleep much that night. Constant phone calls and messages. I couldn’t form words.

I remember waking up the next day and crying my way through church. Hugs being exchanged in every direction. I wanted to hide from the world. The next day at school was even worse. Everyone talking about it, asking me details, and hugging me. I had nothing to say, just a loss for words.

At first, I was in denial. I refused to believe, it was not true. It was just a sick rumor. My beautiful friend wouldn’t even think about doing that. But it was true. Nothing has hurt me more.

A few days later, I started to blame myself. Why did I not ask her if she was ok? Did I miss a warning sign? Could I have done something? What if I would have sent her ONE text asking if she wanted to get some coffee and talk? What if I would have just called her that day? What if, what if, what if. I blamed myself for so long and even today, I think I could have saved her.

I started to get angry. Angry at myself for feeling like I could have done something. Angry because did she not think of all of her loved ones? Did she not care about how we felt? Angry because she did not ask me for help. Did she not think I would have been there for her in a heartbeat? And then the guilt came back because why should I be angry at her?

My heart shattered in matter of seconds that April night. There were a million emotions eating away at me and still today. I think about her every day wondering if she is happy now. Wondering if she would be proud of who I am today.

A piece of my heart will forever be missing.

Suicide is a real thing. Suicide is such an ugly thing. It breaks my hearts that someone can be in such a dark place that they feel like dying is the only way out. It hurts me even more that my own friend felt like that.

So ask your friends, “Are you planning on killing yourself today?” You could save a life.

In Loving Memory of Madison Clark. I miss you more every day.