Dear Dad,

It's been ten years,

Ten years since you walked out on me. Ten years since you walked out of my life.

Do you remember? Because I do. I'm reminded of it every single year during this time. A time that should be filled with joy and happiness has left me filled with anger and pain from the damaged you caused.

I remember every single detail of that night. It plays over and over in my head like a broken record I can't seem to throw away. The screaming, the yelling, the sound of the hole in the wall you punched, my picture falling from the hit, the slamming of doors. But what I remember most was watching your car go up the road from my window and immediately falling to the ground, hysterically crying to a point where I couldn't even see from all tears pouring out. I remember it all Dad, and I hope you still do too.

I hope you know how much you've negatively impacted my life, but not just since that night, for my entire life. How much pain and sadness you've caused me. I wish I could tell you this face to face, but I can't. Because I don't even know where you live, I don't have your address to write you a letter, heck, I don't even have your phone number. I delete it every year when you decide it's convenient to get in contact with me. Do you know when that is? My birthday. For three-hundred and sixty-four days I go without hearing from you, but on that day you're reminded you have a daughter that you were a terrible father too. What can I say? Thanks for remembering, I'm surprised you still do.

I keep waiting for the day you'll stop trying to get in contact with me, not like it was ever the thing you were committed to doing these past ten years anyway. A card and a text that both say, "Miss you" are not enough to restore whatever this relationship was. I deserve more than that. I deserved a father who was there. Not a father who spent his nights and weekends out drinking with his friends, completely forgetting the fact that he had a family at home. I got a father who chose beer over me, I was always second best. Do you know how that made me feel? Do you know how that still makes me feel to this day?

Every time I drink I tell myself I'll never be like you. I'll never get to the point that I forget all the good things in front of me and waste it all for a drink. I know the difference between abusing drinking and pacing myself, you never did.

All I wanted was for you to get help. To be able to get in the same car as you and not be worried if you've drank. You tended to hide the beer inside Dunkin Donuts cups. You were never much of a fan of coffee. I knew you were doing that too, you couldn't fool me. The smell was so god damn strong even after you finished it and forgot to throw it away how could anyone miss it? The worst part of it all was you didn't even know you needed help. I guess when you've gone so far down the dark hole of addiction you can't seem to see anything but the thing you so desperately need and everything else around you just get foggy. It took me a while to realize that it wasn't because you didn't care about me all those years, it was because your drinking blurred everything else important in your life. I just know now I was never the most important thing in your life.

You walked out of my life when I was only twelve years old. I'm twenty-two now and there's so much you've missed out on. School events, life events, big moments, small moments, those are all cherished memories that you'll never get to know because you weren't there for them. You could've gone to some of them you know. Do you know how happy it would've made me seeing you actually show up and be a part of my life? But you chose to remain on the sidelines and now I've gotten used to knowing you'll never be in my life.

I graduated college. Not that you were there or knew where I went or what I majored in. You don't even know what I want to do with my life. What my career is, what my dream and goals are. How sad, I just hope one day you'll stumble upon a book that I've written so you can look in the back and not see me acknowledge you. A writer, that's what I want to be Dad. And I'm going to be a great one, I already am.

I tend to write about topics that have been from either my past or were events or moments in my life that caused me pain. You fit into them both. But even writing about you throughout the years in my poems and short stories was never and will never be enough to numb the pain or forget about all the times you hurt me. I wish it could be that easy but it's not.

Where were you to protect me from the bad guys? Mom was a superhero but she couldn't do everything. I thought I was your little girl. Why didn't you protect me? Do you know it took me ten years to trust a man that came into my life? Ten years to find someone I could love so much that the thought of them ever leaving terrifies me.

You see, you gave me that fear when you walked out on me ten years ago. I spent so much time being with guys that reminded me of you. I tried to find that love from guys who treated me the way you treated Mom because growing up that's what I believed love looked like. You messed up my perception of a healthy relationship to a point where I never thought I could have it or deserved it.

But I thank god every day I found him. That I found someone who took the walls I built up so high and tore them down. Who shows me every day what love is supposed to look like, feel like and be like. He makes me believe that I actually deserve something so good like this. But you'll never meet him, I can promise you that. You'll never get to see how happy I am because all you ever made me feel was worthless.

Moms so happy now, I've never seen her better. She's doing so good. You see, I always knew there were problems with your marriage. But Mom was so good at faking it and pretending everything was okay and staying married to you longer than needed for the sake of George and I.

I never knew this until she told me. Do you know how terrible I feel knowing I did that to her? Telling her to stay in her marriage and not get divorced because I was so concerned about having to live with separate parents instead of caring about her feelings and how she felt. But come to think of it, I never had two parents. I had Mom and that was all I ever needed. But man, if you could see her now, I wish you could. Because you didn't break her, no way. She came out stronger and happier than she ever was married to you.

You would think after ten years I would be over you. But there are still so many questions I have for you that you'll never get to answer.

Why didn't you fight for me?

Why didn't you care about me?

Why don't you try to get in contact with me more than once a year?

Why was I never enough for you?

Why am I only good enough for a card and a text from you once a year? I deserve better!

I don't miss you anymore and I don't feel ashamed of myself or sorry for myself anymore that I don't or never had a Dad who was in my life.

I feel sorry for you because you'll never get to see how great your daughter turned out to be. What a waste, because I turned out great and I did it all without you.

I hope for your sake you're still not drinking and can one day get the help you've needed for a long time. Maybe then we can meet again. But you've made it very clear these past ten years what's more important to you because I never for once thought it was me.

I don't hate you Dad, how can I hate someone who I felt like I've never even known my whole life. I hope you come to realize all the mistakes you made in your life when it came to the family you once had but forgot down the road.

I never needed a father. But that doesn't mean I never wanted one.

Merry Christmas Dad.

Sincerely,

The Daughter You Forgot You Had