As the daughter of an alcoholic, I grew up surrounded by different forms of chaos. The active chaos, where there was drama and arguing and tears; and the dormant chaos: waiting for the next relapse, the next heartbreak, and walking on eggshells every single day.

You were my Daddy, my coach, my bodyguard, my BFF, and always my biggest fan. I hold on tightly to all the fond memories I’ve shared with you. As I got older, you got sick. You got hostile, very sad, and impossible to be around. Your life was unimaginably cruel and painful. I wanted to save you. I needed to fix you, and I was unable to do so. Since you have passed away I experience mood swings like no other. I feel bruised and awfully sore. Yet somehow I am still rolling with the punches and making baby steps in the right direction. You raised me to be a fighter. You raised me to be tough. Despite emotions of anger and frustration, please know that I forgive you. I am thankful for everything you ever did for me. I have loved you unconditionally, loathed you with every fiber of my being, and lost you way too soon. I miss you tremendously.

Now, because of you:

I do my best to face my demons head on. I go to therapy because I deserve to. I deserve to attack my issues and not let them become bigger than my willingness to overcome them. I know that I will not feel better overnight, but I do know that I cannot hide from my demons, that will only make it worse.

Because of you I am a writer. Writing is my therapeutic outlet. You encouraged me to write because you enjoyed writing yourself. Sometimes, I think about such a variety of things that it makes my head spin. By writing I am expressing myself and getting my thoughts down. All of these years of journaling and I am finally sharing some with the world. I hope you’re proud.

Because of you I do not trust easily or I trust way too quickly. Both of these factors have made it easier for me to get hurt time and time again. I run towards people who I know are no good for me and I run away from people who try to help and treat me with respect.

Because of you I have insomnia. We would spend several hours very late at night just simply having conversations. I wanted to stay up and keep you company. You used to tell me all of these intricate stories about how you grew up and even if you had already told me about that time you and your best friend did something really moronic, I would sit there and listen again. I had convinced myself that if you were telling me stories that you weren’t drinking, just for you to start drinking right after I finally went to bed. I lay awake waiting for the phone to ring, for you to tell me a silly story. I know the call isn’t coming.

Because of you I do not always feel like I am good enough. As your downward spiral began, you were unable to come to my musicals or my chorus concerts. I played lead roles and earned solos and yet when I looked into the crowd you were never there. I understand that this was part of your disease, and I spend a lot of time trying not to blame you, but to this day I still wish you were there.

Because of you I will help as many people as I can. In learning about your life, I was inspired to help others. Maybe I will be a Social Worker, or even a counselor in a group home. Regardless of where I end up, I know that my passion is to shine a light at the end of the tunnel for young people when they need it most.

In losing you I have decided to continue living my life. I am, and will continue to be, a story of great success. Until we meet again.

Love,