The first time my mother visited my college dorm, she looked at the bare walls and asked if I wasn't allowed to decorate. My childhood bedroom was beyond cluttered, but when I went off on my own, I became almost monk-like. New York City apartments don't lend themselves to lots of possessions and I resent any item that takes up space. Because of that, Loot Crate–a monthly subscription of geek and gamer gear–wasn't for me. I may love comic books and genre films, but what the hell am I going to do with a bunch of mystery crap for fandoms I may not even like?
Then, a few weeks ago, an ad popped up on Facebook saying September's Crate would include a collectible related to The CW's "Arrow." I love that show and the prospect of getting an exclusive piece of memorabilia for a mere $20 seemed too good to pass up. And hey, maybe I'd like the other stuff too, like the advertised item from "The Flash." Sure, I'd stopped watching that show a third of the way into season 2, but I liked Grant Gustin's portrayal of Barry Allen enough to tolerate having a t-shirt or something with his face on it. With a few hours left before the cut off, I signed up and anxiously anticipated my very first (and likely only) Loot Crate. Unfortunately, from the moment I got my order confirmation email, it was all downhill,
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Though that email promised I would soon receive a tracking number, after days without a follow-up, I contacted customer service. The person I live-chatted with was nice enough, but just before I signed off, she told me to, "have a crate day!" Listen, I love a good pun, but when I did that "Three Characters that Describe You" meme, I chose Grumpy Cat, "Downton Abbey's" Dowager Countess and the Hulk. That sign off almost made me spontaneously combust. While I realize kind, helpful Marie was just doing her job, any company that makes her debase herself like that on a regular basis is clearly evil.
Despite all that, I was still hopeful about my impending Loot Crate and I tore into it the moment it arrived—and boy was I disappointed. In fact, the box (filled with items related to the theme of "Speed") was filled almost entirely with stuff from fandoms I either dislike or hate. Let's go through them, shall we?
The Stark Racing T-Shirt
If you asked me to choose my least favorite Avenger in the MCU, it would be Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr. does a consistently terrific job with the character, but I was Team Cap for Civil War and I will never get back the time I spent watching "Iron Man 2." Thankfully, the shirt (pictured above draped behind all the other stuff) doesn't feature Tony Stark's smug face and the design is tolerable enough that I'll probably wear it to NYCC later this week.
The Metal Batwing Keychain
Make no mistake, I love Batman. Yet as cool as the keychain is, it's got some sharp edges and even as I admired its details, I couldn't help but imagine the inevitable moment when it sliced my hand open as I tried to pull it from my purse. I will never use it.
The Cylon Raider Figurine
I'll probably get my nerd card revoked for saying this, but I was lukewarm at best on “Battlestar Gallactica.” I hated the way the promising moral dilemmas of the early days gave way to heavy-handed, pseudo-religious metaphors and bad character work. Still, this wasn't a total loss. My good friend loves the show and this will be his going away present when he moves across the country in a few months.
"Gone in 60 Seconds" Toy Car
I've never seen either version of the film (there was one in the '70s), so I don't have any feelings toward this other than resentment that it's not the black Dodge Charger Vin Diesel drives in some of the "Fast and Furious" movies. And while we're on the subject, why the hell is nothing in this box related to that franchise, surely one of the longest-running and most lucrative in history? At the very least this should have been the bus in 1994's "Speed."
Special Enamel Pin
I'm not a big pin person, but I was thrilled when I found this because those subscribers lucky enough to get one receive a special digital bonus. I suspect everyone receives a pin in their first box, but whatever. In any case, this month's bonus was a free Comixology download of a series called "Velocity." Haven't read it yet, but I'm hopeful.
"Arrow" "The Flash" Hood Ornament
Perhaps I missed the fine print, but apparently, it was an either-or situation when it came to the DCTV memorabilia. Of course, I received the one for the show I don't watch. Even better, I don't own a car, so this thing is so useless to me, it borders on parody.
The Actual Box
I'm not just being an ass, the box always includes some cool art on the interior and in this case, it came with extra pieces to turn it into a mini-car. I had just spent the last week making paper monsters from a craft book I'd picked up at the Brooklyn Book Fair and this was a real thrill for me. So, to reiterate, the best thing about this Loot Crate was the cardboard box it came in.
