"The desire to be part of a loving family; to have parents who are loving, supporting, and caring; to have siblings who love you and care for your well-being; to have family members who listen to you, who share themselves, who make your life happier by being in it (and who are happy in your being in their lives)…. All those are very human desires. Everyone wants those. Who doesn’t want to be loved well and loved for who they are?"THE INVISIBLE SCAR~ raising awareness of emotional child abuse, its effects on adult survivors & the power of words on children
https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/2013/09/24/...
In the ever present burden of reflection on her life, she asks herself often ~
Was ever there a time when....
When you saw a beautiful baby girl and felt proud?
When you instinctively felt protective for the helpless life you held?
When you knew you didn't want or love her, and thought about giving her up?
When you put her best interest before your own?
When you hurt for hurting her?
When you empathized while humiliating her?
When you wanted to stop but didn't know how?
When you wondered where she is or how she's doing in the world?
When you worried about what life had dealt her and the challenges she's faced?
When you were afraid for her alone in a world that you abandoned her in?
What do you feel when you think of her, and was there ever anything but hate?
The sad and disturbing truth is that she has and still does many of these things to this day for you. She is entirely conflicted with what which feelings she's supposed to have. Simply excluding you from her life did not erase what you meant to her, what you should have been, and what she wished you would have been for her. You were supposed to love her, nurture and guide her, protect and uplift her. She never stopped wanting that and even while you were long gone, that want hadn't stopped.
To pick up and begin anew is an impossibility, because there was never a place that it first began. Is it possible that the world aligned so catastrophically that you mistakenly came into each other's? What happens now? Where does she turn? What if you die, how should she feel? What if she dies... would her life have mattered at all? Does it feel differently for you being the abuser, knowing that you had the choice? Do you feel as lost as she does wondering what purpose you had for each other?
Not a day goes by that it doesn't still hurt her. She puts on a brave face and says she's accepted it, but make no mistake....she carries the burden and it has always hurt her. She has the rest of her life to ponder these thoughts, always wondering. She asks herself often~ Is it really that easy....to disregard, to forget, and to act like she's just somebody you used to know?
