Hey there,

I thought to put our relationship into about five stages and show you how our relationship was through my eyes. Looking back, I can see that it was toxic, but it's true that love does blind a person. I was in love, as if I truly know what that word means. Our relationship taught me so much and helped me grow. I have things that I would go back and do differently with you, but I really don't have any regrets.

Honeymoon phase

We met unexpectedly; I wasn't even supposed to go out that night. From the moment I saw you, things were different. I realized what people meant by being drawn to someone. The first song we danced to together was "Cheerleader." It became my favorite song during the following months. After we danced for a while, we walked outside to talk, and we left our best friends to figure out what the hell to do without us. We talked and talked, and it felt normal, even though you were drunk. When we walked back in, you ordered a drink and we continued dancing. The song "How Deep is Your Love" came on; this song marked our first kiss.

Honestly, after this night I didn't expect it to go any further. But the next day we texted all day long. I even helped you pick out that tattoo on your wrist. That night I was headed back to school, and we were making plans to see each other that following Thursday. We really seemed to click, so me being me, I nervously joked that you should come see me that night once I got back. Surprisingly you did! That was the first night we spent together; we literally stayed up and talked most of the night.

From that point on we saw each other every day! I really started to gain feelings for you. I will never forget the night we stayed up until 4 in the morning joking around! I was singing *NSync, Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus, along with quoting "Forrest Gump" in my best voice. We were dying laughing while posting it all over Snapchat. Not long from that day, I spent my first night at your apartment.

It was weird. You told me to feel at home, but it was just so out of my element. You had to go to work in the morning, so I woke up early and fixed you a breakfast sandwich. That's when I learned you hated crust. You were so shocked that I made you breakfast and walked you to your car. While you were at work, I cleaned your apartment, helped with your laundry and spent the day with an old friend of yours. I can't remember in what order, but we went out to dinner one night, and then went on a hike the next. Either way we had an amazing time that weekend. I knew then that I didn't want to stop being around you, and you made sure of that when you asked me to be yours.

For about a month after that, things were amazing; we even had our own Christmas tree. Then suddenly, everything changed. After you had a wreck, money became a huge deal and that contributed to our problems. We constantly argued over little things.

Dark days

Thanksgiving break was the first time we were apart for longer than a day. We thought we weren't going to make it. I actually remember you came and saw me for about an hour while I was at home. We literally were too attached. But it was great.

Right before Christmas break, things changed. I began to feel like I could not have certain friends, and you didn't fully trust me. We argued and argued; it was a full on emotional roller coaster. The day before break I was so mad at you for something I don't even remember, but you came and saw me anyway. I acted like I didn't want you there, but I did. I wish I had showed you that I wanted you there. Christmas break came, and we thought it was best to spend some time away from one another. We were wrong. It was hard on us. You became distant; you shut me off. You told me it was easier to do that and not think about me being gone. You began being secretive. I started to worry. Then you mentioned the "F" word —Florida. You mentioned you wanted to move there. Florida was a state I had never once dreamed of going to; Florida to me was Texas to you, not part of your plan. From that point, we argued, and we both said some harsh stuff. That day we broke up, four days before Christmas. We had both spent so much money on one another, and I didn't know what to do anymore. I begged for you back, but you wanted to wait to talk in person. I couldn't wait; I didn't understand your point of view and vise versa.

Christmas Day we tried to talk normally. I wanted to spend my favorite holiday with you, and it wasn't happening. I felt broken. Over the rest of the break, we said some more harsh words to one another. I didn't wish you Happy New Year; I honestly think I blocked your number at that point. The day before I got back to school, it was your 21st birthday. I didn't tell you happy birthday. Instead I texted you to come get your stuff and gifts the following day. I put your stuff in two boxes, pushed them passed the door and let you take them. I didn't say one word to you. By that point, I was angry. Boy, was I angry. I said so many awful things to you. It was ridiculous. But in a way, I wanted you to hurt like I did. I wanted you to really see how much you hurt me. I see now that it was all quite useless.

The rekindling

About 12 days after everything happened, I decided to text you and apologize. I wanted to meet up and talk about everything. Like it should have happened the first time. You agreed to talking; you came over and we sat in silence for a solid 30 minutes. We finally began to talk. I was still so angry and upset, but I wanted you back. I told you I had to make a decision; I told you that we could be friends until then.

A couple days later I came over to your new apartment; it was even more awkward than before. I didn't feel comfortable. I was so tired; I just wanted to nap, so we laid in your bed and I fell asleep. We kissed, and it set a whirlwind into my mind. I immediately broke down. For the first time, you saw me cry. I walked out of the room because I didn't want you to see me. Instead you followed me, and you decided to hold me. I just couldn't stop crying. I hit you over and over again asking you why and saying, "How could you?" At that point, I truly realized what a broken heart felt like.

We spent a few more days together, and one day out of the blue I decided to take you back. I heard some mushy crap on "Grey's," and it made me think about how much I really wanted to be with you. And how much I wanted to give you that chance you asked for, to show me that you had changed. I told you I wanted to take baby steps. But it was nothing close to baby steps; it was quick and very similar to before.

The avalanche

It's like it was a repeat of before, but different at the same time. We felt closer than before, more than when we were in the honeymoon stage. But at the same time, we still argued so much. It's like everything else was more important. We definitely were not in sync with one another. I will not forget an argument we had (well lack thereof); you were having a bad day at work, so I decided to come by the apartment and do the dishes and cook lunch for you and your roommate. You were packing to move again while I was there; you barely acknowledged me. I was so angry — so angry. So I got up, grabbed my bag, walked through the apartment and told you I was leaving. And I left. You knew I wouldn't answer your call, so you called your roommate to ask me if I would come back so we could talk. I did, but I sat so far away from you. Thinking back now, I wonder if I should have walked away then. If that was a sign. I remember you telling me while we were talking it out that I didn't acknowledge you either. And maybe I didn't; neither of us was perfect. Neither of us is perfect. We each had been through so much crap with messed up relationships. Relationships that made things hard to strive in a new one.

The calm after the storm

The day we ended it was two days after our six-month anniversary. It was apparent to me that our six-month mark was a bigger deal to me than it was to you. That hurt to realize. The day we broke up, it was so strange, so different. You didn't want me to touch you or kiss you. Later that night, you asked to see my phone, and I gave it to you with no reluctance. You read some messages from a friend who used to have a crush on me. You were so pissed. And I admit maybe texting that person was wrong; maybe my generous personality got in the way at that moment. Maybe it was just supposed to end.

I told you that I wasted six months of my life, but in reality I didn't. You helped me grow and be more observant. Like I said before, we both have out faults in the relationship ending. I just want to say thank you for everything. You will forever be a part of my life. I never truly hated you; I was just upset and hurt by you. But thank you for loving me, and thank you for showing me a toxic relationship. I feel like it honestly helped us both. I wish you well.

-Jasmine