There are certain struggles every girl with long hair can relate to. Having very long hair myself, I can credibly disclose the absurdity of it, along with what you will find to be very convincing scientific statistics about having long hair. Long hair is a full-time job, a state of being, a lifestyle and a terrible burden. This list should provide a sense of empathy among the long-haired community and in outsiders who don’t understand the hardships we go through. A window into the life of those who stubbornly insist on keeping their long hair despite the ridiculous inconvenience it proves to be. And, may it serve to be a fair warning to anyone looking to date such women.
1. Your expenses for shampoo, conditioner, and hair products are through the roof
Every time you shower, you use a handful of shampoo and even more conditioner. There’s so much to cover and if you don’t use enough, brushing your hair later will be a nightmare. Oils, heat protectors, gels, and such are your partner in keeping your hair from becoming a giant nest after a few gusts of wind.
2. Showers take forever
Just washing your hair takes up at least 80 percent of your shower time, which equals like two hours of just shampooing, at least. Like I said, there’s a lot of material to cover. And you’re of course not going to give up that first 15 minutes of warm contemplation-soaking time (and that number isn’t as exaggerated), so you’ll just have to be late and lose a few friends as a result. Real friends accept you for who you are, even if it means waiting several hours after the agreed meeting time. Right? Right.
3. You constantly have to clean the shower drain, because your hair clogs it 50 times sooner than normal people’s drain.
I am not a math major. But I’m pretty certain this number is close to correct. Longer hair equals more blockage, for sure.
4. Brushing your hair is an art and takes many months each time.
That is definitely an accurate measurement of time for this one. Especially if your hair is damp, you have to acclimate to your new lifestyle that will consist of constant hair-brushing for the next four weeks straight. Start from the bottom, work your way up. Maybe put Drake’s “Started From The Bottom” on repeat, and plan to find something interesting to think about until you’ve completed combing your hair through. Whatever method of hair-drying you prefer, make sure it’s at least several days (okay, hours, at least) before you have to be anywhere you don’t want to be with wet or frizzy hair. It will take that long to look normal in any sort of way.
5. Making out is a struggle.
Your hair falls in your face, it falls on his face, he’s spitting it out, you’re pulling long strings of hair out of your mouth, you squeal in pain as he accidentally pulls your hair and gets tangled in it, and you lose him in your hair forever and have to file a missing person’s report. If you don’t know how to braid or make a bun, it’s time to learn…in memory of your long lost boyfriend. God rest his soul and the many strands you lost in the incident.
6. You have to work extra hard to make sure you have volume
Unless you’re one of those girls that rock the smooth hair look, it’s easy to look like Cher on her worst day if you don’t put any effort into creating volume for your hair. The longer your hair, the heavier it is. You’re lifting like 120 pounds on your head at all times. I think this is a great new method of lifting for those ultra-dedicated body builders. Soon you’ll have a nice solid neck. That’s very attractive, girlfriend.
7. Paying 30 dollars plus tip for a haircut always feels like a rip-off
Especially if you’re just getting a trim or long layers, there’s never much of a difference before and after unless you look closely at the ends of your hair. It hardly seems worth it. And if you’re like me, even an inch or two off the bottom feels like you’re chopping all your hair off and you miss that extra bit that just touched your elbows.
8. Your hair often surprises you and scares you
You’re walking around in a tank top, and you feel a little tickle on the back of your elbow. Your first thought is that someone is trying to tease you or get your attention. Nope, it’s just your hair. You’re lying in bed and you feel something crawl across your skin and your soul momentarily leaves your body as you think “spider!” Nope, it’s just your hair. Your own soul then leaves you altogether out of shame for how dumb you looked trying to run from your own hair.
9. Your own hair may turn against you in the night
I have woken up many a time to find my hair wrapped around my neck, nearly choking mine to certain death.
10. Sleeping is a hassle
You can never really find a good place to put your hair while you sleep. You generally have to sleep like this so you don't pull your own hair out.
In short, girls with long hair have no souls, no friends, no boyfriends, no money, no product left, no time, and have abnormally muscular necks. Are you positive you want to date one now? Don't give up too easily, once we have it under control, it can really look quite nice if it doesn't eat us all.
