I would definitely consider myself an extrovert. I am lively and outgoing and I like to have fun. But recently, I have found myself sitting inside on the weekends, refusing to go out because I have a fear that not many people like me. I am an extrovert but I have come to realize that I hardly have any true friends.

How does an extrovert have hardly any friends? How does somebody with such a large personality have hardly any friends? It should be easy for me to go out and make some, but it’s not.

I am not looking for a large group of friends because I’ve always like the phrase that says, “I’d like to have four quarters rather than 100 pennies,” but there is a difference between friends and best friends.

In high school, I quickly realized that I didn’t have a best friend and I always thought that I should because my personality screams “I want friends!” I talk to almost nobody from high school and I’m only going into my sophomore year of college. I was always confused as to why, and I am still confused to this day.

Everyone always says to be yourself. I am myself and it tends to not work out for me. I know I can say things at the wrong time because I hardly have a filter (one of the many “perks” of being an extrovert). I know that my personality can sometimes be too much. I know I can be loud and I like to talk a lot. But these are things I cannot control. These are things that make me who I am and it is the worst feeling in the world to know that people don’t like me for who I am.

While I do consider myself an extrovert, I am terrified to go out to different places. I feel like everyone is constantly judging me for every action I do. I am afraid that if I act like myself, people will automatically hate me. I feel like I cannot be myself around anybody new in fear of being hated. And I shouldn’t constantly have that fear.

I am always told that I am annoying, that I talk too much, and that I am too loud. I am not going to apologize for who I am. I like to go out and have fun but instead of going out this summer, I am stuck inside watching Netflix all day. I am just too scared to go out with people. I am afraid that everyone talks behind my back about how much they dislike me. I am afraid that I am invited to something as a pity invite. I am afraid that I can go out and enjoy myself and people are not enjoying my company as much as I am enjoying theirs. I am afraid of two-faced people who act like they like me and then talk about me when I am not around, making me think I am liked. This is one of the worst feelings to experience.

I am an extrovert with hardly any friends, and this is how I feel. I would rather have no friends than have fake friends. I would rather not be talked to than have people talk to me and tell me how annoying I am. Yes, I would rather have four quarters than 100 pennies, but I would also like a group of people who I can surround myself with and I would love to be my absolute self around them.