I know you're all wondering, is a lobster a good pet? Everyone has had this thought at least once, if not twice in their lifetime. I know I think about this at least three times everyday. Lilo from "Lilo and Stitch" wanted a lobster instead of a dog and everyone wants to be just like Lilo, am I right or am I right, folks? But let's all really think about it; would a lobster make a good pet? The short answer is no. The long answer is noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I'm just kidding. There is a legitimate long answer as to why the lobster would not make a good pet.

First of all, lobsters live in the ocean, that right there is a huge red flag. Do you live in the ocean? Because I don't. I am not a majestic mermaid no matter how many times I fill my bathtub and pretend I am and then cry so much that my tears cause the tub to overflow and then my parents get angry at me because saltwater is much harder to clean up than freshwater. I'm sorry, Mom and Dad, I didn't ask for this grounded, tailless existence. Because your lobster would need to live in said difficult to clean saltwater I don't recommend having a lobster as a pet.

Lobsters are pretty much aquatic, stinger-less scorpions, or scorpions are just venomous desert lobsters. That's scary. Scorpions are really scary. My Dad almost got stung by a scorpion once. Most people's dads have almost been stung by a scorpion. I can't tell you how many times someone has said to that their dad was almost stung by a scorpion. I wouldn't want to risk causing my Dad to relive that trauma at all. The last time he was triggered was when we were in the city together and a helicopter flew over head and he shouted, "THE SCORPIONS! THEY'VE FOUND ME! RUN, MY BOY! RUN!" He then proceeded to dive through a plate glass window and punch the head of a mannequin. Y'know, I'm starting to wonder if the whole "almost getting stung by a scorpion" thing actually happened and if my Dad is actually a super spy and if SCORPION is some sort of terror group that killed his former partner, Warren Stiles. It's just a thought.

I realize now that this really should have been a listicle. I don't have enough reasons though. I don't know. What do I do?

Lobsters are essentially immortal. Isn't that horrifying? Lobsters only die when something kills them. My God. That is a nightmare. Not only for me and all other humans to know about but also for the lobster. Imagine having to live everyday knowing that you will never die unless something eats you? That poor, poor lobster. If you had a pet lobster you would have to either put your lobster in your will or kill and eat it when you're dying. What a horrible choice you must make with your life.

Lobsters are not good pets. Please don't have a lobster as a pet. I beg you.