Dealing with suicidal thoughts is weird, some days I wake up and already saw several ways I could easily kill myself and some days I wake up and see none. Some days I actually think about doing it, while other days I'm like, "I could do it but I don't see the point". They don't ever really go away either, they're always there lurking in the back of your mind.
Now, this isn't to say I want to die. I have suicidal thoughts but I don't want to die. In fact, I want to live. I have so many thoughts about the future and goals I want to reach. The thought of death is honestly unappealing because I know I can't do those things if I'm dead. Yet, there's always a small part inside of my mind telling me that I'm not worth it and that the world would be better off.
I've expressed these thoughts to friends and each time I get a similar answer, "That's not true Caroline", "So many people would be affected", "Why would you think that?". I know that my thoughts aren't logical but it's not something I can control most days. Like I said, sometimes I wake up and I can get through my day with some intrusive thoughts but they're easily pushed aside. Other days and these are the hardest days, the intrusive thoughts get so loud inside my head that I can't ignore them.
I could be walking down the street and see a truck coming and my mind will be like, "throw yourself in front of the truck. It's easy." or I'll be in the shower shaving my legs and a thought about how easy it would be to just cut my wrists and be done with it. Those days, when the thoughts are loudest, are the ones that really get me down.
Again, I'd like to reiterate, that I, in no way, want to die but the chemicals in my brain have this disconnect that allows these thoughts to run through my mind.
I used to think that nothing was worse than wanting to die but I realized, very recently, that there's nothing worse than wanting to live but not knowing how to continue.
The thing about living with suicidal thoughts is that it becomes a part of your everyday life. It's something that is another normal for you. Wake up, go through your morning routine, go to class, do your homework, hang out with your friends and deal with the thoughts that run through your head every second of every day. It's something you, I don't want to say get used to, but it's something that doesn't seem out of place anymore.
It's exhausting, if I'm being honest, to live like this but I'm still here because I know that it's not something that I want. I want a chance at a life without my depression and anxiety, even though it may never happen. The thought that it could is what keeps me going. Sometimes I have bad days and some days I have good days. If I left my brain do what it wanted to do every day would be a bad day but I've learned how to live with it and how to fight my thoughts.
