Imagine waking up in the morning, not being able to get out bed, and crying all morning while feeling like your not worth it. That's how I felt every day of this past semester.
I've had anxiety before, it has come and gone in phases. Once in kindergarten, fifth and sixth grade, and then again this past year. Sadly, I think this year it has been worse than it ever has. I didn't feel human. I felt different. I was asked a few times if I was suicidal, the answer to that is no. I may have hated my life a few times and felt like giving up, but I never thought about taking my own life.
Beginning in January, I would wake up sick to my stomach, shaky, and not being able to eat. I'd text my mom every morning saying that I knew something was wrong with me. My self-esteem went down and felt like I had to hide in the shadows while walking to classes.
I spent most of my time alone, I was even worried about going to my boyfriend's house.
This went on for months and ended up losing 10 lbs within that time period. I'm already on the petite side, originally weighing 103 lbs, I dropped down to 93 lbs. By the end of winter, I only wore leggings, all my jeans were too big. Knowing my clothes were looking bigger, I knew something was wrong, and that even more people would start realizing that something was wrong with me.
By the time April arrived, I felt like I had no hope. I was occasionally missed classes because I couldn't get myself out of bed, hiding in the backroom at work because the amount of people was overwhelming, and missing dance classes because I didn't feel like I had the strength to get through the class.
I ended up reaching to some of my professors for assistance. While in my nutrition class, I would walk out of class, almost in tears because I would realize how bad I was eating and that my calorie intake was so low. I emailed my nutrition professor and she understood exactly where and what I was coming from. With her help, she gave me a few tips and goals to help me get back on track.
In the end, I knew that I had to change my mindset. I put my faith in God, and told myself that whatever happened, was meant to be and there would be a reason why it had happened. This is the mindset I carry around with me now.
Since May, I am myself again. Happy. Positive. Adventurous. I take on anything that comes my way. My normal appetite is back and I've gained a few pounds back.
I know there are others who struggle with anxiety, which can sometimes lead to depression. Many told me to start taking anxiety or anti-depressant medication. I refused. I wanted to fight my anxiety like I have done in the past. After seeing a therapist a few times, I was able to start taking my body over. My best friend gave me a journal for my birthday. Each page had an inspirational quote and every day I would write in it when I feeling anxious. The quotes gave my mind just enough strength to get through the day.
My advice to those who also struggle with anxiety is use medication as the last resource. Try therapy. Don't do what I did and hide in my room and refuse to socialize. Show your anxiety who is the boss. If you let it control your body, you'll be miserable. Fresh air did wonders. As the weather warmed up, I'd take my dog for a walk in a field by my house. Seeing him run around so happily made me feel so much better. Most importantly, do something that you love. Whether it be a sport or a hobby, something that makes you think of something else will work.
