Imagine sitting with your family during a holiday dinner. Everyone's laughing, talking, and eating as any other family does during holiday meals. Except there is you, glaring down at your plate, trying to ignore the fact that all you want to do is bolt from the table or scream at them. For someone with Misophonia, eating with your family and friends can be completely unbearable.
Misophonia is a neurological condition where people react negatively to sounds that most people don't notice. Certain noises like chewing, burping, drinking, and mouth-clacking noises can set you off in a state of panic or rage. There are no known causes of Misophonia; it's a lifelong condition that's most common in girls and usually starts between the ages of 9 and 13.
For as long as I can remember, I have hated being around people eating. When I was younger, I would keep it to myself and just glare down at my plate, trying not to snap at everyone. As I got older, I would say passive-aggressive things or have to leave the room when it got awful. For me, sitting at the dinner table was like triggering an anxiety attack. All I could do was think about how annoyed I was and how much I wanted to leave.
Sometimes I would feel so panicked that I would get up and leave the room without even thinking about it. I wouldn't tell friends about it because I was too embarrassed to say anything. If I did, most of the time they would think I was dramatic and purposely eat loudly to see if I would say anything.
When I got to college, the only thing I was scared of was how I was going to deal with my Misophonia, though at the time, I didn't even know that's what it was. I was scared my roommate would be a loud eater or that the dining hall wouldn't be loud enough for me to drown out the sounds of my friends. I didn't want to tell anyone about my issue with sound because I didn't want to be made fun of. However, I lucked out: I made some amazing friends who tried to understand my problem and would try to make it better.
Sitting in a classroom, no matter the size, is one of the hardest things I've had to do in college. People all around you bring in food or chew gum, and you have to try not to snap at them for however long you're stuck there. I've considered dropping classes to avoid dealing with certain people or professors that decide to eat in class, but have stuck it out because I didn't want my disorder to rule my life entirely.
It's hard to talk about this disorder because it's a foreign concept for a lot of people. I've been asked several times just to shut it off or ignore it. My favorite question is, "How can you eat if you can't stand listening to others eat?" How do you answer something like that?
When family and friends purposely eat louder or make noises to see if you'll snap, it can take an emotional toll. All the emotion, anxiety, and panic running through you makes you an emotional wreck. When you're already having a bad day, it can intensify your triggers. When you're having a good day, it can turn sour when someone brings in a bag of potato chips and sits next to you during lecture.
It's a disorder that rules your life. It decides who your friends are, where you sit at a movie theater. It can break up relationships and cause problems in your school and work environments.
There is no cure for Misophonia. Psychologists suggest that you try and avoid the sound or find distractions. I can usually drown out the noises now, but at least a few times a day I pick up on some sound that triggers panic or anger. Though this disorder rules a lot of my life, I never let it take over. I still go out to restaurants with friends. I sit through meals with family, and I go to movies. I have never and will never let it control the important things in life.
