After having an anxiety or panic attack, I often get asked what caused it. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and most people, probably some of you included, are likely thinking, what on earth does that mean? I usually get frustrated with this question, not because it was asked, but because I don't know how to answer it. So I will use this letter to try and explain what my GAD looks like and how it plays into my life.

A common misconception about GAD, is that many people think it is the most common form of anxiety because it has the word "general" in it. That is not the case, it's actually one of the less commonly diagnosed anxiety disorders. The dictionary definition of GAD is "severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities." Some common symptoms include constant worry, restlessness, trouble concentrating, fatigue, obsessive thoughts, irritability, nausea, difficulty falling asleep, and more. Treatments include therapy (especially cognitive behavioral or CBT) and medication. Even after reading that, you likely still won't totally get it unless you have experienced it.

People often don't know the difference between everyday anxiety, clinical anxiety and varying anxiety disorders such as GAD. Everyone experiences anxiety. Everyone has gotten extremely nervous or worried about certain events and most people will experience a full-blown panic attack at some point in their life. Someone with clinical anxiety, likely is experiencing difficulty adapting to new situations or transitions in their life, something that is definitely worth getting help for and learning coping skills, but that doesn't mean they necessarily have an anxiety disorder, although they definitely might! As for other anxiety disorders, I don't feel equipped enough to define them (feel free to use Google though if you want a taste) because I haven't experienced them myself. Even when I try to explain my GAD to someone, and I say my GAD because it looks different on everyone, just like every mental health and mental illness is different based on the person, I never feel like I quite get it right.

I can tell you that I obsessively worry. But, what exactly makes it obsessive? I could stand here and give an example, but I likely would go from something small to catastrophic in a matter of minutes and end up having an anxiety attack or simply feel like I'm losing my mind (I also would rather not share my list of obsessive, miniscule, irrational fears with the world). But I can tell you, it is exhausting. Repeating thoughts over and over in my head, making the scenarios worse with each run through, and not stopping until I feel as though I have "solved" the worry, or that my brain is so tired that I panic and it eventually subsides. This can be rather isolating, because even when I turn to close friends for advice or reassurance, the relief I get only lasts a short amount of time before my brain starts spiraling again despite the reassurance I received. Which, by the way, can happen as often as every day.

Other times, it just is this feeling. It's kind of like that feeling you get as a kid called the "uh oh" feeling. Like something bad is going to happen but you don't know what. Like you're on a rollercoaster waiting for the big drop but it never comes. You just stand there, waiting, frozen, and impatient. You feel antsy, restless, jumpy, and, well, constantly anxious. On the more extreme side of things, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I start to overthink everything I say and do and start to believe that everyone hates me or that I'm annoying all of my friends and I can't get out of the loop about every little thing and it's the most exhausting thing so much so that I don't even think I can explain it. It's like someone is replaying a line in fifty different movies simultaneously to try and understand what each character said but getting nowhere.

Now let's talk about triggers. Triggers are certain places, situations, smells, thoughts, really anything that can trigger an attack. One of the most difficult things about triggers, is that when we have a panic attack, we often don't know what triggered it, that's what CBT helps us discover. One of my main triggers, personally, is feeling a lack of control. Sometimes I can help counter this fear, for example, I can control what I do in a day, what I eat, my level of productivity, etc., but oftentimes my worries are about the uncontrollable. I can't control the future, how other people think or feel, or random surprises that occur every day, but my mind tries to. When my mind feels like it has very little control over a situation, though, I will likely have a panic attack, even if I don't know why.

If you know someone with GAD or another anxiety or mental health disorder, you may be wondering what you can do to help. Even that isn't an easy answer as different things help different people. The one thing I can say is be there. Don't look at the person like they are crazy, don't just brush it off and say everything will be okay (don't get me wrong, that saying can be very helpful in the middle of an anxiety attack, but when it comes to general worries it just makes us feel dumb), and PLEASE don't say that everyone has anxiety. We know it's going to be okay. We know people get anxious. This anxiety is different, more severe. Just listen. Hear us out. Offer support, and politely tell us we are being irrational, because oftentimes we are and just need some help out of the heightened anxiety of the moment to return to reality.

On the outside, I look fairly normal. I often get told that I am very rushed, seem nervous, get moody, am easily jumpy and stressed out. All of those things are true, and oftentimes they come more prominently in times of heightened anxiety in which I couldn't even tell you what I'm stressed or nervous about. I have certain nervous habits such as twirling and pulling out my hair, and certain things that escalate along with my anxiety such as losing my appetite, having difficulty focusing, or feeling constantly tired. Surprisingly, I often get told I seem as though I have my life together, but on the inside it feels the opposite. On the inside, my mind feels like it's constantly racing, thinking of the next thing to worry about, and overthinking things that most people would brush off after a few minutes. Which, again, I don't know why. I wish I could let you see into my brain or explain why I'm this way, but at the end of the day, it's who I am. It's how I'm hardwired. I can't explain my GAD perfectly, because to be honest, I don't understand it perfectly myself.

All I know, is that this is a part of me. Whether it's due to my genes, or a chemical imbalance in my brain, or a combination of multiple things, it's a part of me. And it's something that I work on. It's something that I'm learning to manage and to better control. It doesn't define me or make me crazy, it's just a part of me. It's also important to note that it DOES NOT mean that I am unhappy. It does not mean that I can't enjoy life or do things that everyone else can. It's just ONE PART of me.

At the end of the day, something that helps me is remembering that even though my brain is fast-paced, which can lead to some pretty crippling anxiety that seems unending at times, it is also what makes me observant. It's what makes me equipped to handle emergency situations. It's what makes me a fast thinker and on the ball. It's what makes me, me.

I will never be satisfied with my definition of my GAD, but like my worries, I am slowly starting to learn that that's okay. It's okay to not have an answer. It's okay to not know how to explain myself or how I feel.

I think the toughest part about mental health and illness is realizing it's a spectrum and that it changes within all of us. We can't compare our mental health to somebody else, we can only work on bettering our own. We can't say that a certain mental illness looks the same on everyone, we can just help categorize it in order to help treat it. You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to justify your feelings. You don't have to have a mental illness to be struggling, and you don't have to explain yourself. But know that there is help. There are mental health allies, people who specialize in varying aspects of mental health, and so many more resources out there.

Getting help doesn't make you weak, it makes you brave.

Being mentally unhealthy doesn't make you crazy, it makes you human.

Just because we can't see mental health, doesn't mean it's not there.

Mental illness is real illness. Mental health is real health.

Simply acknowledging that is a step towards ending the stigma.