Last year I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (also known as ASD: Autism Spectrum Disorder). I had heard of Asperger’s once before but I had never actually known anyone with it, nor did I know anything about ASD.
In case you’re not familiar with ASD I will list some of the characteristics of the disorder:
- Emotional/Behavioral problems
- Social isolation/trouble making friends
- Nightmares
- Sensitivity to sensory stimuli
- Trouble making eye contact
- Narrow interests/extreme obsession with interests
- Resistance to change
- Tend to follow patterns: eat and sleep at the same times every day, sometimes eating the same foods every day, etc.
- Compulsive behavior: a lot of times this will be tapping a foot or rocking
- Inability to read situations or facial expressions
- Stimming
My results from the Rdos Aspie quiz
Most of my life was spent feeling much different than the people around me. Since Middle School age I’ve always felt like I didn’t quite have the connection with people that everyone else seemed to have. I didn’t fit in as easy, I didn’t react the same to things and honestly it always made me think that maybe I was crazy. Middle school was rough for me; I had a mouthful of braces, an obsession with rocks, only wore black, played the violin and could recite every president in order and the states and capitals. Not the makings for the most popular girl in school but I got straight A’s so I tried to not let my differences from everyone else bother me too much. However, I did eventually try to fit in once I figured out that the boy I liked hung out with the “popular” kids. And even though he played violin too and didn’t necessarily dress like the other kids, he still hung out with them so I thought I needed to as well. This mostly just led to 10 different shades of bad blonde hair and still feeling like an outcast.
To give you an example of how I process my emotions, two years ago in Disney World I stubbed my toe and sliced it open. I was hysterical; to this day I swear that half of my toe was gone and that it somehow miraculously grew back. My husband on the other hand assures me that it was just a scrape, which is why I still have a whole toe. Regardless, I honestly thought that half of my toe was gone and fixated on it for the remainder of our trip.
A few months later I was diagnosed and suddenly, my plethora of quirks made a lot more sense to me like my inability to touch towels if my hands are wet, my need to make lists reminding me to make lists, my commitment to schedules and routines, my incessant need to pre-pack for a vacation, unpack it and then prepack again a week ahead of time to ensure I haven’t forgotten anything. It even explained my eidetic memory, my trouble making friends and eye contact for that matter, and even my compulsive behavior. My intense reactions to certain emotional and sensory stimuli finally had an explanation. And it was as if everything in my life had an answer and I wasn’t crazy, I was an Aspie and I wasn’t alone. There are other people out there that feel the same way I do, that think the same way I think and that was such a relief to hear that my life has been different ever since.
I still catch myself standing awkwardly in the middle of a group of people all of whom are talking to one another and I just stand in the middle trying to talk myself into having the courage to join a conversation. Sometimes I’ll even walk in and out of the group multiple times before I get the courage to do so, and usually by then the conversation has come to an end so I just trail off because it’s obvious no one is listening. And if I do interact with someone I will relive it and think about the conversation over and over again for hours and sometimes even days wondering if I acted appropriately or wondering how someone meant something that they said to me. Were they mad? Are they mad at me? Did I make the situation awkward? It’s a pretty miserable process.
Just a few weeks ago I made a new friend who also has Asperger’s and it has really made me feel good to talk to him. We email back and forth and he has shared with me that much like myself, he is rarely spoken to in social situations as well and often finds himself standing alone in a group. Now, when we find ourselves in a group together, we stand with one another without the pressure to make small talk if we don’t want to. I don’t know if it helps him, I really hope it does because it certainly helps me. If either of us think of something to talk about we bring it up and if we don’t, we just stand there together in silence and watch everyone else. It’s very refreshing to have a friend whom I don’t feel I have to fake a happy face for just to avoid making the encounter awkward.
Now that I understand my diagnosis, I am able to identify my triggers and compulsive behaviors a little bit better which sometimes allows me to manage my emotions more appropriately but of course there are some things that I’m sure will never change simply because they’ve been a part of my daily routines for so long. I will probably always put the volume on an even number, I will always use the “egg” spatula for scrambled eggs and the “cookie” spatula for cookies (there’s zero difference in the spatulas but to me each one has a designated food), and I will always touch my dogs’ noses to calm me down. I’ve accepted the fact that I am different than most and I’m really starting to embrace it as well.
