I've lived with an angel and the devil.
The angel who filled me with love.
The devil who filled me with hate.
The angel's strength inspired me.
The devil's weakness weakened me.
The angel did everything she could to surround me with rainbows and butterflies.
The devil did everything he could to surround me with rain and black clouds.
You see, I was born into this life of love and hate.
So confused about what was “normal” and what was fucked up.
Not really knowing the difference between the two.
Because, I was torn.
I didn't know who was going to win.
The angel...or the devil.
The angel spoke words of beauty in the world. She had a way of making me feel like everything was going to be okay. The devil spoke words of doubt and uncertainty. He had a way of making me feel like nothing was ever going to be okay.
After years and years of the back and forth, I struggled with my own demons inside of my head.
Choose a side, I'd tell myself. Do you want to love? Or do you want to hate?
The devil won many rounds. I was pulled into his black hole for a while. I was filled with doubt, fear and uncertainty of what love should feel like. I've learned the devils love comes with a cost.
If you do not suffer...
If you do not fall to him...
If you do not live the life he wishes upon you...
If you betray his orders...
He will not love you.
BUT.
The angel won the most round.
You see. The angel's love had no cost, it was unconditional. It made her happy to see me happy. She was always on the sidelines cheering me on. She was the sunshine on my darkest days.
So I made a choice.
I chose the angel.
And although the devil may still be there watching and waiting for a chance to break me down; there's too much love in my heart, placed there by my angel God had given me at birth.
The angel's love conquers all and allows me to live my life fearlessly. Because in the end, she's the one who will still be there loving me.
The devil will stay there with his hand out waiting to be given anything and everything.
The angel will be there with her hand out also, but only for me to hold and walk through this beautiful life with.
I think we all as human beings come by both the devil and angels at some point in our lives, even if it's just in our own heads.
But we have a choice.
We always have a choice.
Do we want to fall to the devil?
Or do we want to rise with the angel?