This isn't supposed to be some sad story about my social anxiety. Rather, it is about the cognitive dissonance and frustration I experience when I am so obviously extroverted and have such a loud expressive personality, but sometimes I have trouble being around people, especially large crowds.
It's hard to be an extrovert and feed off of people's energy when you too easily get overstimulated and become uncomfortable in very [in]tense social settings or busy environments, as well as feeling lonely even in the most crowded of spaces. It is extremely daunting to want to be around people but feeling drained an hour into the time with your friends because your brain is going haywire trying to process everything going on, trying to keep yourself grounded when you feel like you have no control over anything, and when you are just generally uncomfortable with the amount of human energy surrounding you, or you just feel generally low.
I often speak with such intensity and I typically carry myself with great confidence, so it’s hard to tell that I am struggling at all. I tend to be very loud because I am so intense and I am so confident. I like to say I have a, "loud," personality. Sometimes I even speak so loudly and with such intensity that I make myself nervous that I'm being weird, or that people are judging me for being loud. Even though I am fairly confident, one thing I am a bit insecure about is how I present myself. This makes me nervous because even though I know that I am very smart, and kind, and that there are so many nice things about me, I feel like I seem inconsiderate and that people are judging me, and that there are too many bad things about me. Feeling so many different emotions at the same time is confusing as well.
Living in a state of constant generalized social panic is just so draining while I still feed off of the energy from people when they're around me. Even more difficult is having a sensory processing disorder along with this all. I perceive everything so differently, especially physical stimulation by touch. Having all of these issues combined is honestly a really hard part of my life. Sometimes I feel trapped, like I can’t leave, or I just feel too overwhelmed, or as though people are going to stress me out too much because I’m going to get overstimulated or get a sensory overload, or that people shouldn’t be around me because I feel like I’m so generally low most of the time.
Learning to live with issues like this has been a struggle for much of my life, but I’ve also learned to face some of these difficulties head-on, and learn to keep my composure (for the most part). I really do enjoy the company of other people, so much. Making people aware of these issues is important as well. Ending the stigma for mental illnesses, and other disorders/disabilities is so important right now. It is important that you express how you feel and what is bothering you, especially if it’s something that can be accommodated for. People can’t help with something they don’t know about nor understand, can they?
