I want to start off my saying that a mental illness does not define who you are. It does not make you "crazy" or a lesser person. Trust me when I say that it's incredibly important to remember this.

It feels as though you are watching your body from the outside, or as if someone is whispering in your ear telling you over and over all the horrendous things about you. That little voice explains to you how you are of no use to your society, your friends, your family---or even to yourself. It tells you that everyone would be better off without you, that the suicide would not be selfish or self centered---in fact it would be beneficial. You would be doing the world a favor.

Every morning when you wake up, for a split second when all you feel is the warmth of your bed and the safety of your blankets, you remember the feeling of being swaddled as a baby and you feel okay again. Until you realize that you are no longer that innocent child that made people smile, and you begrudgingly get out of bed despite your entire soul screaming at you to just go back to sleep. It hurts to look in the mirror, to try on clothes, to paint on that fake smile so no one judges you for the terrifying thoughts that envelope you day after day. Often, no one notices for so long until it’s too late.

And, every night you get ready for bed, so relieved you got through another day and that you are finally alone, until you remember that being alone with your thoughts is the scariest thing imaginable. You have begun a war with yourself and are constantly fighting it, so desperately desiring for happiness but unable to attain it, making you even more upset--much like a baby sobbing because it can’t sleep in spite of it’s utter exhaustion.

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You wonder if anyone can tell. If maybe you are all alone in this and that you’ll never be able to break free. Condemned to this internal turmoil. And you go to the knife, or the pills, or the alcohol and try to take your mind off of your perplexing and everlasting sorrow, yet the relief is only momentary. So you think what if you did just die, who would even care?

The truth is, everyone would care, even the people you didn’t think noticed you at all. Your family and friends would be devastated. Your peers terrified and full of mourning. Everyone would wonder what they could have done differently to help you, you took your own life far too soon. Because although it seems like you are stuck in this never ending tunnel of darkness, there is a way out. You might have to dig for years to find an opening, but it’s possible---especially with help. Help from family, friends, psychologists, it doesn’t matter, as long as you talk to someone and realize you are not alone. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, any of these mental diseases are much more common than you may think, and you can get help. More importantly, you deserve to get help.

Of course, some things are easier said than done. You drive away from your home looking for some sense of comfort and you end up at a cliff, standing on the top of it contemplating what would happen. In that moment you are at your most vulnerable, you could succumb to yourself or realize that you are worth more. It may be the most terrifying feeling, realizing your life could end right now if you wanted it to. And then you really have to think if you do, because once you do it there may not be any going back.

For me, I was lucky. I texted my friends "I'm sorry" and then took some pills in the comfort of my own room, clearly not enough and I am so grateful for that, because the minute after I took them I began to sob and wondered what I would be missing out on.

It's been almost four years since then, I've gone through multiple therapists and various medications, which is all well and good, but what helped the most is opening up about it to my loved ones. Yes I have slipped in and out of that state due to other situations, but I had people there to support me and see me through it all. Without them, I wouldn't be here, and I am happy that I am. Even in my darkest times I know that there is something to look forward to. It's like my favorite quote by FDR: "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." So that's what I do, and because of it I have gotten stronger and happier. I can reach out to others and help them deal with common situations because I have some type of understanding, although all mental illnesses are different.

It's really important to remember that you are not alone and things will get better. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to let all the good things in.

If you suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org