"Who am I?", a stereotypical Indian daughter who deems it too uncouth to upset her parents, a sister to a brother who thinks "reading is lame", an amateur reader and writer trying to make sense of non-fiction by engrossing herself into fiction, a woman who 'can't think for herself' or simply one of those uninteresting stories with a deep lack of too many ebbs and lows to be even considered a story. The three words WHO AM I, quite simple though they might seem, are equally appalling. It's so easy for us to describe the whats, wheres and hows of the world that surrounds us, the so called 'outside'. But it is strenuous a job to divulge what's going on in the world that resides within us, the 'inside'. Its not an oddity to readily hear "I don't even know" when one is a college student sprinting among too many 18-21 year olds trying to "figure themselves out" by either getting plastered or binge watching TEDtalks.
But is too bad not to know who one is? Can I not simultaneously be someone who loves Olivia Pope and is privy to the theory of law, someone who was moved by Atul Gawande's memoir "Complications" and is captivated by the uncertain certainties of medicine and someone who is a Finance major eagerly waiting for Snapchat's IPO. Do I necessarily have to be great at one thing and terrible at others to prove to myself and others who I am? I guess not.
I am in the second year of my college career, a Sophomore if you may. However, I haven't had that Eureka moment in my college life when suddenly mid-lecture I discover what I want to do for the rest of my mortal life. Rather, I equally enjoy an anthropological lecture on the systemic marginalization of the "others" and an economics lesson on the significance of an unrestricted trade in the theory of competitive advantage. Does this mean there is a loose wire in my brain waiting for a fixture?
Ever since I left High School, approximately one and a half years ago, I have been struggling with defining myself, continuously living in a fugue. A large chunk of my life has been pestered with self-doubt and deprecation. Having always been a good student, I was expected to join the likes of Gawande and be a doctor (the specialty suggested the most was a pediatrician or OB/GYN) or at least a pharmacist (as some aunties remarked). I used to ponder incessantly on what my future holds and question what I wanted from it. In the last year, however, I have realized something about myself. As far as I can dig in my memory, the only constant in my life has been my love for learning and a penchant to give my all to it.
Though I can't be pigeonholed as a math-loving geek, videogames-loving dork or a sports-loving jock, I can certainly be deemed someone who strives to be a part of something larger than herself. In essence, it's not an Apocalypse situation if you haven't found the "I" in "You".
To all those like myself, in moments of self-doubt just remember that Walt Whitman in response to those who exhausted their lives trying to define him said, "I am large, I contain multitudes".
