When I started my freshman year at the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater in the Fall of 2014, I had no idea what the coming year would bring for me, but I was extremely excited to begin this new chapter in my life. Apart from being undecided in my major, I was really looking forward to the college experience. It wasn't until further into the year that I began to notice how problematic this year actually became for me.

I started out the school year strong, going to class everyday and always doing my homework. In fact, I did well keeping up with the work pile. What I didn't keep up with was taking care of myself. By this, I mean I didn't do a good job of keeping myself healthy, especially at such an important time in my life.

The dining hall food on campus was alright; buffet style with many options, and I never went unless I had someone to go with. However, I'm a super picky eater, so naturally I didn't find much to eat there. My favorite meal items there were jelly toast, cereal, and waffles. Nothing too sustainable, so I usually left the dining hall still hungry, but this usually didn't bother me so much. I had grown used to the feeling, and my stomach seemed smaller and I got fuller faster. Most of the time, I thrived off of the big stack of granola bars in my dorm or other healthier snacks.

Between my fast-paced walking and picky eating habits, I managed to lose a few pounds. I was 5'7" and started out the year roughly at 145 pounds, and seeing just a slight difference was cool in a way, but I didn't think too much of it until I began writing down what I ate every day. What I ate, what time, and how many calories, usually with either a smiley face or a frown-y face next to it depending on how I felt I did that day. Naturally, I began to eat less and less out of habit at school. I hardly went to the dining hall and I hardly felt like eating anymore.

Over the next few months, I slowly began to realize how bad it had gotten when I found myself getting excited about how many hours I had gone without eating while I was at work one day. Or when the only thoughts I had consisted of not eating, bombarding my mind to the point where I would plan to wake up, go to work and hang out with my friends right after getting off in order to not have time or a reason to eat. I enjoyed planning when to eat, if I did, but even more I enjoyed the new sense of control I had over myself. I liked losing weight, and I liked seeing the scale move down further and further.

Eventually I became withdrawn from my friends and family and often zoned out the majority of time. I hated school, and I became far more isolated, depressed and felt extremely sick all the time from my lack of eating. I hid my problem from my family for a long time, but I knew they knew when I would come home to work on the weekends. My mother and my sister would joke to me about me telling them I'm full when I only "eat crumbs." It hurt to hear that, as I struggled so hard to get myself to want to eat and actually follow through instead of feeling so incredibly stuck in wanting to, but not being able to. Soon enough, people began to question and talk about it, to all of which I denied them any indication, simply playing it off like it's no big deal when clearly it was.

Over the course of this, I found myself still writing down what I hardly ate and now working out on top of it. Nothing too extreme, but enough to definitely make a difference. It got to point where I would hardly eat anything and would act fine until I was woken up in the middle of night from horrible, deep, stomach quenching coughing fits that would make me gag. I knew you could be hungry to point where you felt like you wanted to throw up, but I never thought that it would actually happen.

Until it did. Multiple times. I found myself hurling my body out of my lofted bed in order to throw up yellow, foul-tasting stomach bile in the garbage can when I wasn't able to make it to the bathroom. Sometimes even up to five times a night. And when I'd wake in the morning and feel so horrible and shaky and sick, I questioned why it was that I continued to do this to myself as I tried my best to eat what food I had in front of me to little or no avail.

It wasn't that I didn't want to eat. I did, I really, really did. And so did everyone else. But for some reason I just couldn't ever do it. Why? l'd sit in front of the food bin I have in my dorm with my hands on each side of my head and my body all scrunched up while staring at my food, almost to tears, and saying to myself, "Why can't I eat?"

I had a serious problem, one that I never intended for, but just slowly and naturally fell into place by my natural habits. It got so bad to point where I thought I wasn't doing an eating disorder as well as I could've been. At my lowest I was about 126 pounds, which is the smallest I've ever been, considering most of high school I was 155 pounds until about midway through senior year when I dropped to 145, but this was different. This was sickly and unhealthy. It was weak. It was sad. And it was ruining me.

It hollowed me out as a person and left me feeling empty all the time. I hated it. Apart from recently expressing myself more with my friends and boyfriend about what I was going through and having them help me along the way, even though they didn't fully understand it, it really helped me think more about what a mess I unintentionally created for myself. I began to write about the sickness that kept me under its grip.

After having become so unhappy with myself and my eating disorder that was now ruining my life, something I had a hard time coming to terms with, I took an online screening to see if I could possibly have an eating disorder and may need help. Obviously, the screening yielded high results, as did every other eating disorder information I found myself reading. And at this point I wanted to change. I was ready, but it was hard, and it still is.

Slowly but surely, with the help of my boyfriend and friends who were so great to check up on me to ensure I was eating, I was able to start to reverse the pattern. I started eating more normally, through my own and others' force of habit, and over time my habits have changed pretty much back to normal.

I'm still recovering though, a year and half a later, and I will continue to as I watch myself begin to fall into old habits that I'd like to avoid, and fall into new habits I'd like to keep. I never ever intended to have an eating disorder, and to be honest it ruined a great deal for me and it actually was and still is a major problem I sometimes struggle with. I'm extremely thankful for my supportive friends and family with whom I could've never gotten this far in progress by myself. And with them by my side, I am ready to conquer this once and for all.

So please, if you see someone who you think may be struggling with an eating disorder or problem, they very well might be and they very well might need help even if they don't realize it yet. I am beyond thankful for the help and support received, and if this helps anyone else come to terms with a problem they may not realize is a problem yet, I've done my job. The best thing we can try to do is understand, spread awareness and help in whatever way possible.

For additional information regarding eating disorders and private, anonymous online screenings, please take a look at The National Eating Disorders Association.

Thank you.