Where it all began

It was January of 2004 (yes I remember that far back). I was 5 years old at the time. I woke up with a really bad stomach ache. As a child, when you don't feel good you just want your Mom and Dad. I laid down on my parents bed and the next thing I knew I was being hauled into the bathroom and put in the shower because my father, me, my pajamas and my parents' bed was filled with my dinner from the night before. And that night is where it all began. I still can't tell you why, but over 14 years later I can still remember every detail of that night...and I hate it.

Almost every emetophobic can tell you where their fear began. It's wired into our brain. And the sad and unfortunate truth is it will be there forever.

What even is emetophobia?

Oh crap..here comes the boring definition.

The clinical definition of Emetophobia is a phobia that causes overwhelming, intense anxiety pertaining to vomiting.

Basically, in my case, I hear the word vomit, think someone is going to vomit or think I am going to vomit I spin completely out of control as if the world is ending. Sounds pretty stupid right? It is, but an emetophobic can't help it. An emetophobic will make themselves feel and even possibly get physically ill because of anxiety over the thought of vomit.

How do I explain emetophobia to someone? I ask them what makes them so scared they would run and hide. Most people say bugs, clowns, birds, dog and any other common phobia. I then tell them that's how I feel when someone vomits. They say "Oh yeah I run too. It's really gross" NO. I didn't say I run because it's gross. I said I run because I am terrified like it's going to jump up and bite me. I send myself into a full blown panic attack and my mind spins out of control. Trying to get me to come back down to earth is like trying to get a two-year-old to sit still for more than 30 seconds. NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE.

How does this phobia affect my life?

My fears include:

1. Vomit

2. Someone else vomiting, telling me they feel they will vomit or talking about vomit

3. Getting the feeling of nausea myself

4. Going anywhere near someone, something or someplace that could make me or someone I'm near vomit

These fears control my life. I know I used to love amusement parks. I went on ride at Lake Compounce in Connecticut. I felt very nauseous after and that ruined every single amusement park for me.

I work with children. As an emetophobic it makes it very very hard to deal with sick children, which is part of my job. This can be depressing and here is why; A child vomits. They are scared. I am scared of the vomit so I run. The child sees me running from them and they get even more scared. My fear could cause them to become an emetophobic themselves. Now think about that long and hard. Not many phobias can do that.

I would love to be a mom one day. I love children and I love babies. They are so cute and adorable. I just have a very hard time getting past one thing. What happens when they throw up? The famous line for that is "You would be shocked what you would do for your own kid." My grandmother is the perfect example of how a phobia can get in the way of me dealing with vomit for my kid. My grandmother is terrified of rats and mice. And by terrified I mean she locked herself in the bathroom for 3 hours while a mouse was in her house. I am highly allergic to all rodents. A mouse was in my house once. Obviously I couldn't touch it, but my grandmother was so paralyzed with fear there was nothing she could do about it. This is how I am around vomit. So no matter who is sick I will be paralyzed with fear.

I also almost always refuse to try new restaurants. I went to Lake George this past Memorial Day weekend. I tried the Lobster Pot for the first time. It was fantastic. However, I would be lying if I said I didn't have anxiety before going and after eating the food. Shellfish is one of the most common foods to give you food poisoning. Everyone who went with me was hungry and just wanted to eat, but my head couldn't have cared less about eating. My head was thinking everything else. What happens if I get sick? What happens if someone else gets sick? What if this lobster is bad and makes me sick? Should I have ordered something else besides lobster? I was pretty good at hiding that because I don't think a single one of my friends knew that's what was going through my head as we sat and waited for our food to come out.

I also stock up on anti-nausea meds. These are my life line and it's really bad. Anti nausea meds can harm your stomach if they are taken too often. I get little pains in my stomach and immediately think I'm going to throw up. Not where everyones head would go first, but thats right where mine goes. All part of the life of an emetophobic.

The worst part of it is my family and friends don't get it...

Obviously they can't. No one can unless you have this crippling fear. So if your loved one is an emetophobic there is next to nothing you can do, but be there for them. Don't share if your nauseous or if you threw up. That alone could save us from days of panic

My mom is a nurse. She thinks I'm crazy. But she doesn't get it and I can never expect her too. She does her best to try and help me through my panic attacks that can happen anytime and anywhere. Even in the middle of the night (sorry mom). She always tells me that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I threw up because then I would feel better. In my world throwing up is definitely the worst thing.

My best friend is the person I spend everyday with. His name is Josh. I really do love my best friend when it comes to my emetophobia. He is 100% supportive of me and he makes fun of me as much as a best friend should. You know how best friends are supposed to take care of you when you're sick? Josh can't even tell me if he has a stomach ache, because for the next week or two I will be in a full blown panic wondering if I will throw up. I can tell you that because we spend so much time together we often will get sick with the same thing just days apart along with his sister Marissa. Somehow I've never caught a stomach bug from either of them and it's a miracle.

Now the other thing is my panic attacks are weird. Sometimes I want to be hugged and know someone is there and other times if someone touches me I will freak out even more. Now my poor friends and family don't know which one it is sometimes. So if they hug me and I'm okay then it's a good thing. If they hug me and I don't want to be touched then I start screaming and pushing them away. The pain I feel when I do that hurts more than having a shard of glass stuck in your foot. However. They get it. They are cool with it and that's all you can ever ask.

Being an emetophobic is not easy. It is unfortunately a phobia that runs your life. It's important to understand that it's not a joke and it's also not funny. Making fake gagging noises or saying you will throw up on them is not funny. I know I take that very seriously and it will freak me out.

I hope you are now informed on something I'm sure you never really needed to know, but you never know who you might come in contact with in your lifetime.