You sit down and strap in, the coaster jolts forward. Like any ordinary roller coaster, this one that you are riding has its ups, downs, curves and surprises at every turn. Sometimes the cars speed forward, giving you adrenaline and excitement and other times it slows and leaves you with anticipation. You giggle with happiness, scream with fear and have every emotion in between.

Now my roller coaster is much different then that of the one you are riding. Mine starts off the same. I sit down, strap in and the coaster starts but mine doesn’t go into that usual climb towards the first peak. Mine goes down, slowly but surely. It goes down far below your lowest point on your roller coaster. My ride then really begins. It goes up, but never as high as yours, down, but always lower and it never speeds up quite as fast. Sometimes the coaster just stops all-together. Other times new things are added into the mix, like the seat belt feels like it’s going to snap off or the cars wobble in a weird way. My mind likes to play tricks on me while I’m on this ride.

If you haven’t already realized, I’m trying to use the, oh so cliché saying that life is like a roller coaster. It really is if you think about it, it’s just that everyone is on a different ride. For me, I’m on the super fun ride of clinical depression and anxiety.

I could tell you the whole story. The numbness I felt, the constant crying for no reason. I could tell you about being put on medication my sophomore year of high school. I could tell you about how thoroughly convinced I am that I’ve had depression much longer than I’ve been diagnosed. But I’m not going to bore you with details. I do want to tell a few stories though. I’ll start with my lowest point.

I had started noticing how badly I felt my freshman year of high school, but I just thought it was the transition into high school so I kind of just tried to ignore it. I remember having talks with my mom about how I felt and why I didn’t smile as much, but I guess I convinced her that I was ok. Come sophomore year and things got a lot worse. I’m not sure if this happened before or after I was put on medication but, I tried to kill myself sophomore year of high school.

One school night, my mom and I were screaming at one another. It was just another normal fight we had. I was probably not doing what was asked and I told her she couldn’t tell me what to do. At some point in the fight, I stole her phone so she wouldn’t be able to text me and walked out of the house. I walked the mile and a half to my best friends house. It was dark and I was sobbing. I got to her house and they let me inside. I remember asking her if I could stay the night because I really didn’t want to go home. She went into the other room and asked her parents. I’ll never forget what they said. I just want to make sure it's clear. This is nothing at all bad on them. I understand it’s a difficult situation to deal with and understand, so what happened then does not upset me now. Anyway, her parents and her older brother were talking about it and her dad said we can’t take her on every time she gets in a fight with her mom. Her brother said why does she have to come here. Just call her mom and tell her to come get her. They didn’t want me there and at the time it crushed me. I already felt unwanted by myself and by everyone else so I just started crying harder. My friend heard me so she came in to try and calm me down. That’s when there was a knock at the door and my mom was there to get me. She started to yell at me again so my friend’s mom took her in a different room to talk to her. My friend left me alone for a minute and I took that chance. I left their house. Threw my mom's phone on the cement outside and ran. I ran until I couldn’t anymore and I realized where I was. I was by the highway. I got three calls from my friend that I ignored. I stared at the fence blocking the sidewalk from the highway. She texted me and I finally replied. I could barely see I was crying so much. “I want to die.” Still crying, I climbed the fence halfway then froze with fear and climbed back down. I stood there frozen for what felt like forever then climbed up again this time close enough to the top that if I lunged forward, it would be the end. My phone vibrated again and I felt the wind from the cars passing down below. Lights flashed past me as each car drove below me. I began to wonder what they thought if they saw me. I started to picture myself falling. I smiled and almost did it. I was so close but then I began to hyperventilate and sob harder than I’ve ever sobbed before. I crawled down the fence slowly and ran across the street. I slumped against a brick building and answered my phone. “Alex where are you?” my friend said on the bridge of tears. I just sobbed into the phone. I heard her exclaim to her mom “Oh my God, she’s by the highway mom! Hurry!” Next thing I knew, I was in their car, my best friend’s arms around me as I cried. My best friend saved my life that day but the people below me did as well. When I pictured myself falling, there was relief until I pictured the end. I pictured the car or cars that hit me. I pictured the screaming people and the accidents. I wanted to die. But I didn’t want anyone to die because of me.

It took me a while to get over what happened, and in reality, I never really did get over it. I tried again a few times, but never to that extent or danger. When I think about that night, I feel strange. It’s almost like it never happened but it did, and that will always be a part of my roller coaster.

I told you that story, not for pity, but for understanding. My friend didn’t understand what was going on in my head, and she still doesn’t to this day, but she knew that I was in trouble and that I was a danger to myself so she acted. She made sure I knew she was there for me. She let me show my emotions in front of her while all she did was rub my back and let me. And when the time came, which I hope it never will for you or anyone you know, she came to my rescue. I truly believe that the most important thing for a friend to do for someone who is depressed or suicidal is to be there for them and make sure they know you are. It’s hard sometimes to see someone you love in pain, but people who are depressed or feel suicidal really need your support and love. Now let me just say that not everyone with depression is suicidal and if you, a friend, or a family member is showing signs or is threatening suicide please get professional help. Being there for someone is so important but at that point, there is a need for more help.

I digress. Another thing that is important to be aware of is a person’s trigger. This isn’t me saying, “Be careful what you say around depressed people because they might want to kill themselves!” This is me saying to stay observant. I have triggers still and they can be ridiculous. The smallest things can set me off into a depressive state. Let me give you a real-life example, you’re sitting in class during a discussion and you finally get up enough nerve to talk. You raise your hand and state what you were thinking and instantly your professor looks at you a little weird and says, “No that’s wrong.” In most people’s minds' they would be thinking that the professor was rude or annoying but I would think about it for days. I would think about how stupid I was for saying that. I would think about how worthless my ideas and opinions are. That small comment would bring me into a depressive state.

If you see your friend isolating when they normally are a very outgoing person, double check to make sure everything is ok. If your friend doesn’t really show many emotions anymore; they have a blank face a lot, stay observant and make sure they know you love them and are there for them if they need anything. It’s a lot to take on when a friend has depression. I mean hey, ask my friends. They deal with my mood swings, my suicidal thoughts, my self-hatred but they still love me. It’s hard to when you don’t understand what’s going on in their head, but even if you don’t understand, what’s most important is your presence. That last thing you want is for anyone you love, in general not just in relation to depression, feeling alone.

Reactions to depressive episodes can also really affect the person going through it. You might think it’s helpful to say, just smile more! Or if you think less negatively you’ll be happier! But that’s not the case. At all. I don’t choose to be negative or to feel the way I do. It’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. I don’t have a choice so I can't just smile and feel better. And when people tell me that it just makes me feel more alone and abnormal. So I would recommend not saying things like that to someone who is depressed. As I said before, the most important thing for someone who is depressed is just having someone who is there for them if not physically but over phone, text or Skype. Even if it means sitting in silence, just having someone there who you know cares really helps.

It’s really hard for me when my roller coaster gets stuck in a low dark place and I know it’s hard for those who care about me too. But it does get better. I know it’s hard to see that when you’re there but it does. That coaster ride goes on for all your life, and when you have depression it might not seem worth it. But it is. It ALWAYS is. I know it's hard. But even when I’m feeling low sometimes I look out from my car and see the wind blowing in the trees. Clouds behind them floating in a light blue sky and I am thankful for life.

If you or someone you know feels suicidal be sure to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifelife at 1-800-273-8255.