There is an unspoken overwhelming amount of pressure for people, women especially, to find picture perfect cliché partnerships, get married, have children let everyone on social media know and remain happy until one of you dies. Magazines push headlines, tips and tricks to finding love and then keeping it. While there is nothing wrong with the romanticized notion of falling and staying in love there seems to be a void of encouragement for people, women especially, to indulge in self-exploration and truly wallowing in the experience of being alone as more than just something you do between relationships.

I began graduate school in the fall of 2014, and for the first time in a long time I was alone — and when I say alone I mean three roommates, my graduate cohort, my professors, the members of the club I attended on Wednesday, my best friend across the street, and my parents a mere 25 minutes away. What I truly mean is that I was single. For the first time since I was 18 years old I was single, and sadly I found this scarier than graduate school and all the coursework it entailed.

The first few months were full of confusion, tears and a few therapy sessions on my bed with friends and food. After about three months I found better ways to spend my days than counting the time we had been apart. During this time I relied heavily on my mom and my friends from everything to keeping me company to asking how I make my own dentist appointments. I also reveled in the feeling of only answering to myself and letting my mood, not the mood of others, dictate the tone of my days. I questioned why I hadn’t done this sooner rather than blindly continue to occupy my space and time with people as if a void existed in me which I at some point had subconsciously decided must remain full. I looked at my friends and acquaintances, women especially, and saw that it was a pattern we all seemed to follow. It dawned on me how quickly we move from the support and reliance of one relationship to another without missing a beat.

The most formative years of a person’s life should not be based upon the adapting and growing up, around, over or under anyone else. I realized that on the priority list for a lot of people, women especially, love was the first concern or very close to the top. This need and concern grows stronger with age as we watch people pair up, pair off and recreate making quite a few of us feel panicked in the scramble for marriage. It seems silly when you reflect on the double standard that men can focus solely on their career well into their thirties without the compulsion to settle down, finding love incidentally while women of the same age see their window of opportunity growing smaller all the while the media, family, Facebook and Instagram reminds them that their clock is ticking.

I wish that instead of these constant reminders, something or someone would tell and prompt people, women especially, that they have their whole lives to try to find people to grow with and the best time for that was not while they are still growing. We live in a society where feminism can sometimes be nothing more than a hashtag. Where we applaud independent women by day and expect them to conform and strive for relationship #goals at night. In hindsight, I realize that some of my loneliest days were also some of my most introspective, never mind the fact that I didn’t sign up for them voluntarily. Too many people, leave the safe haven of their parents’ home, flitting from the shelter of one relationship to the next, rarely seeking refuge within the sanctuary that is themselves. It is beyond important to teach your daughters, sisters and friends that the most interesting thing about her shouldn’t be her involvement with someone else.