For the majority of my life, my happiness has depended on how people perceive me. The more they think highly of me, the happier I am with myself. When my parents are proud of me, I am proud of myself. When my friends think I'm a good person, I think I am too. But if someone I barely know doesn't like me, I begin to question myself. I've always been the type of person who thinks about others and their feelings, yet tend to neglect my own.
If someone is upset me with, I feel it to a numbing effect; I can't think straight, my heart races, my palms shake, and I just want the agony to end. And the only means to an end is to make the situation right with the person who is at the other end of the controversy.
But sometimes it isn't a single fight or disagreement that has me speculating their opinion of my personality, it is a chain of indications that causes me to question how they see me. If they haven't been as friendly with me, I begin to question our relationship. If I see them respond to my texts more sporadically or rarely text me first, I notice the details and begin to think that it is my fault.
Until recently, I placed most of my happiness in my friends. I have always had a backbone, but I definitely let them sway me in certain scenarios, nothing in a negative sense, but I was comfortable in doing what they wanted to do. When my friends were happy, I was happy. This still rings true in a lot of ways, but I've stopped letting everything they feel determine how I feel. It isn't their fault I felt this way, but I've realized that what I want matters too.
This past summer of complete independence, I've realized what happiness means to me. I didn't have much time for friends, so I spent the majority of the three months alone. As depressing as this would be for a lot of people, I was able to identify what makes me happy again. It's Sundays spent at coffee shops reading, writing, and doing my work.
It's Tuesday nights getting tacos with my friends and watching movies. And it's Friday nights going on dates with my boyfriend. It's all the little and big things that happen in my life that I take for granted when I am caught up in school or knee deep in articles to edit.
My decisions aren't always going to make everyone around me happy. The people in my life are going to want to spend more time with me than what I can give from time-to-time. I've realized it's important to prioritize school, relationships, and responsibilities, but it is equally important that I prioritize myself. If this means spending the night laying in bed reading or catching up on the latest episode of the TV show I watch, I am allowed. As crucial as it is to put energy into other people, it's equally important that I take care of myself.
When you surround yourself with people all the time, it's hard to differentiate between their thoughts and your own. It's natural to surround yourself with like-minded people, but it's important you take a step back every now and again and ask yourself "How am I doing?" If you feel like you are overwhelmed with life, take a pause until you feel like you can breathe a little easier.
Your friends will always be patient with you if you need a weekend to yourself just to catch up on your responsibilities, and don't let your fear of missing out stop you from getting your life in order. There will always be next weekend to see everyone, and if you don't take care of your situation before you really begin to struggle, you will collapse.
If you were like me and let the fear of disappointment stop you from doing what you really wanted to do, think about what really matters to you. If your friends judge you for doing what makes you happy, are they really good for you? You need to ask yourself "Am I happy?" occasionally just to make sure you are on your right path. If that answer is no, make changes. Don't look back on your life and regret your lack of control on who you are.
Choose to be happy now and always.
