I have had my fair share of heartbreaks. I know what it is like to be hurt, and I know what it is like to be pushed down on the ground. I know what it is like to place all your happiness in one boy and rely on them to make you as happy as you can be.
I've been told "I don't find you as pretty as I used to and I don't think I love you anymore" and then five minutes later they apologize over and over again, and try and convince you that they didn't mean it. I was conditioned to believe that love was like that. A two person game with the only rules being, it's okay if they hurt you. They love you. I've been told it was going to be forever, and I somehow forced myself to believe it. I always questioned myself if it was true, but something deep inside me knew it wasn't. I found myself making up excuses when they hurt me. I would always tell myself I was done with the games and the immaturity. I learned and learned and life continued on, and I still found myself making mistakes.
There were some moments that I thought I saw a fire in their eyes, but it was only a reflection of the one they set in mine. I was so young, and still am. I wanted to figure out myself, and my own self-worth. I knew that I was way more than the past boys believed I was. I knew that deep inside, I deserved better, and I that is exactly what I got.
It was a warm summer day, and my two friends and I had planned a day to volunteer at our local humane society. My friend Lauren earlier in the day showed me pictures on Instagram of her ex-boyfriend's friends. One particularly caught my eye. A cute and sweet looking country boy with the cutest dimples I have every seen. I, of course, had to follow him. Later that day, while getting ready to go volunteer, both Lauren and my other friend Destiny pushed me and pushed me into messaging him.
"No way," I argued. I was not going to let myself fall and get hurt again. I built my walls too strong and too tall. But of course, after awhile of talking with my friends and having my heart and brain argue over whether contacting him would be a good idea or not, I went ahead and did it. I was terrified. He was so handsome and he seemed like such a wonderful person, and I was just me.
We then talked for a few days and had conversations about work, school, hobbies, etc. I thought everything was going well. I was excited, but I was also so nervous. I had mentioned to him one night (being funny) about how I looked like "trash." His response was, "Well, if you say you look like trash, I'm gonna have to take it out. I know we've only been talking for only a few days but what do you say? Date night?"
I smiled from ear to ear and giggled about the message forever. I was extremely ecstatic and so excited to go out with such a cute boy! But again, everything was still in the back of my mind.
The next day, there was so much to be excited about. I started my new serving job, and after I got off, I went on my date. After a few hours of getting ready, I was physically ready to go, but mentally, I was terrified. I had to drive due to the fact he had broken his collarbone a few days prior to our date. He apologized over and over again for not being able to drive on our first date, and that he felt like such a loser.
I, of course, did not mind at all, and I told him that. So there I was, in my black sundress and black gladiator sandals driving forty minutes away to some small town I had never even heard of, Randolph, Ohio. It was such a cute and quaint little place. A place you think would only exist in a country song.
After awhile of driving and trembling in my car, I made it. When I got there, out walked my soon-to-be love of my life. Cuter than in his pictures, with a smile lighting up the summer sky, I just could not stop smiling. He gave me a hug, and we left, and we had such a wonderful time.
Why I rambled on and on about Beau and I's first date was because I knew prior to that, all the boys that have ripped me apart. I knew the minute him and I began talking that things may not work out. I knew I could be setting myself up for a heartbreak, or for a future.
I was so comfortable with him, and it almost felt that we knew each other before. As a strong believer in soul mates and past lives, I knew this feeling existed, but it was hard to tell if I had felt it before. But with him, I did. We spent almost every day together over the summer. Laughing and having such a wonderful time together. It was turning into a friendship as well as a relationship.
Slowly and slowly, I let him over my walls and into my heart. I wanted him to understand me and I wanted him to not only fall in love with me but with my soul. The first time we said I love you was one of the realest moments I have ever shared with another person. All the other I love yous were only excuses to let getting hurt be okay. They were not true and they were not real. But this time, it was.
He now is one of my best friends and my other half. We do almost everything together and he has taught me so much. A hardworking, loving, wonderful soul in such a handsome and gentle body, with the little time that we have been dating, I know that there is a forever ahead of us. I cannot thank him enough for helping me learn to love myself. There is not only a fire in his eyes and my eyes, but being with him, we set the world on fire.
I know that I am so young, and I know that everyone has their own definition of what love is. I also know that some may think that we have not even been together that long. But there is this feeling in which I cannot explain. A feeling that I only pretended to have with others, but now I know now that it is a real and genuine feeling.
From all the bad experiences I had with past relationships, and from having him by my side, I am finally learning to love who I am. I am learning how to be the person I am supposed to be, and I am learning how to empower that person.
It is such a fantastic feeling to be genuinely happy. It is a good feeling having such a wonderful soul by my side. Without the help and support from him, I would not be where I am. It hasn't been a long time that we have been dating, but every day with him is a new beginning. I cannot thank him enough for what he did for me. I am looking forward to spending my life with him and making new memories each and every day.
