Coffee signals the start of the day for many of us. For me though, my favorite part of the day is when the buzz of my keurig sounds, the water heats and the delightful scent of coffee beans erupt throughout my room. As my poison fills the cup, I prepare by getting out the creamer and turning on some music. I sit up in bed and sip on the bold, dark roast, enjoying the slight bitter taste and the strong comfort of familiarity. I take the time to check in with myself and figure out my plan for the day. I think about how I’m doing in various aspects of my life. Are all of my assignments completed? Do I need to work out today? How is my anxiety level? As these thoughts float through my mind I hold the hot mug against my chest and take in the warmth as I drink it slowly, savoring each moment. It’s a time to bond with myself and the most valuable way to start my day.

A cup of coffee is the definition of irony for me. The caffeine I consume on a daily basis would give almost anyone the jitters, however, I have them without it. Sipping on this beautiful beverage is calming to me, therapeutic even. I drink multiple cups a day and sometimes it’s all I drink, and I wouldn’t dream of going without it. But I’m not a caffeine addict. I know this because soda, energy drinks, and even tea don’t cut it for me. They fail to settle my nerves and satisfy my need. Coffee takes me back.

It transports me to a time when my parents lived together under one roof, and every morning I would awake to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. It brings me back to the weekly family gatherings, which would always end with dessert and coffee. I recall my grandmother giving me a glass of milk with a drop of coffee in it starting at the age of about five, and calling it my “coffee milk” so I wouldn’t feel left out. I think about how my cousin would joke with me about how coffee will stunt my growth. It symbolizes protection, simplicity, and home. The nostalgia makes me feel safe, like I can always relive the innocent and childlike parts of my life, and no one can take that away.

On the other hand, I remember when I first gained the privilege of going out with my friends alone to Starbucks, and the luxury of having our own hideout away from parents to spill all of our secrets. Ordering a coffee at a restaurant said something to the waiter. It stated that I was grown up enough to make a choice other than what type of juice I wanted. I could decide to drink what some deem as harmful and addictive. I was adult enough to need a substance to complete my daily tasks. I also think about finally being allowed to bring my own thermos of coffee to school in the morning, and knowing that I had something to rely on that would surely get me through my grueling classes. It represents growth and maturity and freedom.

My life has been a journey of change, emotion, and sometimes too often, my own negativity. It is also noted by love, friendship, and happy memories. I need something consistent and dependable to count on, and my morning cup of coffee is it for me. It means control and reassurance, and brings my mind to a steady balance. You could say I have a problem, but I would answer that there are worse things to be dependent on.

I take a final gulp and slide out of bed to get ready for class, perhaps brewing another cup of coffee, or waiting to grab one on the way. There is also the possibility (though unlikely) of not having another one at all, and I will be alright without it because I started my day the way I need to. I can now begin my routine of hair, makeup, and clothes with ease. Once I leave my room anything could occur which is a scary thought, but I know that no matter what happens today there’s going to be another cup tomorrow.