When I began my blog last August, I promised to myself that I would be vulnerable, and honest, and brave. Much work goes into being one of those, let alone all three. Sometimes I have failed at that promise. Yet, I believe I have done a passable job of being open. I wanted to open my life up to others. I wanted to become less scared of sharing my life and my feelings, and I see the progress that I make each day. I can tell one person a moment, and then I can tell two, and then I can tell three. I can tell many online. I was always that kid who chatted it up with everyone around them. I was good at talking to people, especially telling winded stories that drag on much longer than any adult would like. I would tell too many stories. I think I might have accidentally made it seem like my mom was an alcoholic in one of my classes that her friend was subbing. (Mom? Fact check?) I wasn't always subdued, drawn from sharing stories. I have become so. I cannot really tell you how that happened, but children grow up, and they change. And they have to work through the worse changes. That's what I'm trying to do - change my silence, but have it be not so loud that when it does come around, people still aren't listening to my tales. (Someone really needs to teach me the appropriate length of stories.)
However, I think I have realized that I do not always have to share. I think I will always be willing to share, and I will continue writing long lists in my blog about my emotions. But I don't always want to share my revelations. No matter how selfish that may seem, I don't want to have to share my news as soon as it happens, as I have been doing. I want to tell people, but I sometimes want to be by myself. If I talk too much to people, I will begin forgetting that the advice was initially meant for me. I have already begun to forget that. I don't want to advise other people when I need it first. As so many people say, you cannot take care of others until you have first taken care of yourself. I cannot tell people to do something before I first do it myself. I want others to be brave and love themselves and buy themselves flowers, but I want myself to do that, too. I don't want to be selfish, but I sincerely do not want to forget about myself. I want my moments to be my moments, first.
And so, hello self, I hope you take this advice as it is only meant for you. I hope you have moments that you want to keep to yourself. I hope you have memories that are too good for the internet. I hope you take your own advice. And I hope you understand that being open does not start with being closed to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most importantly, begin believing again.
