There is a time and a place for everything. People love imparting wisdom and storytelling especially when it relates to themselves. Listening and advising go hand-in-hand, but oftentimes, listening is a challenge. The art of conversation is hard to master and it's ever-changing, but the disconnect comes when instead of listening, we drift off into our own thoughts or react in our heads and come up with a well-plotted response.
Much of the time, all I want to do is give advice or relate someone else's experience to my own or to information I think is relevant. It's easier than actually concentrating on showing empathy and care for what another person is saying. I can now stop myself and focus on being present by committing to listening.
Typically, when someone presents me with a problem, I immediately want to fix it, resolve the issue, and jump into action. But usually, my friends and family know what to do and would do better to hear something along the lines of, "Wow. That sucks." Or "Ugh. Sucks that you have to do that, but I am proud of you." Or "That's the worst. I am here for you."
Following solidarity, comes the showing of what I've heard by rephrasing or rewording the problem they've shared with me and my understanding of it. This is such an important step that we miss when we are wandering in our own thoughts and feelings.
Before advising, we have to make sure we fully understand the story. Questions might come up or people might realize they missed an important part to the story.
How does this break down? I've laid it out here for us:
1. Person 1 states issue, dilemma, problem, or shares story or experience while Person 2 listens and focuses on processing the information presented by Person 1.
2. Person 2 responds by sharing what they took from what Person 1 said and asks for clarification with any part that might be missing or misunderstood.
3. Person 2 gives advice or adds what they would or would have done in the situation.
4. Person 1 and Person 2 feel closer because they are both heard.
I think this "style" of conversation is important to how we feel connected to the most important people around us. I know this sounds like I am trying to dictate how we speak to one another, but I'd rather we all take a moment to reflect on how we behave and interact in conversation than not. Maybe we realize we cut other people off to get our words in or we refrain too much from what we are saying. Either way, there is something to be said for listening first and advising second.
