To my lovely, beautiful mom 妈妈,

The list of apologies I owe you is long and never-ending, but 2017 seems to have made that list infinitely longer. No amount of apologies can make up for the constant frustration and worry I caused you, but my apologies are the only things that I can offer you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being such an emotional and dramatic teenager this past year. The fights and arguments we had reached epic proportions of ridiculousness, and I greatly regret many of the flippant words I threw at you. Truthfully, 2017 was not kind to me, and I unfairly channeled all my anger towards you instead. Even though my constant moodiness was such a tumultuous rollercoaster to deal with, you took it in strides and simply provided a shoulder for me to cry on. You would stay up into the wee hours of the night just to listen to me vent about the most insignificant of problems. You would call me right as I got back from school just to ask if I was okay and if I had a good day in class. A million thank you’s wouldn’t be enough for the amount of love and affection you showered me with.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not calling you enough. Even though I promised you that I would call you on a weekly basis in college, I broke that promise so many times that I lost count. I’m sorry for only calling you when something bad happened or I needed something from you. Rather than calling you just to converse about some trivial, lighthearted matter, I seemed to only bring bad news whenever you picked up the phone. I’m sorry that I conditioned you to instantly worry whenever you saw my name flash on your phone screen.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for getting spontaneously annoyed and upset whenever you asked me about my future plans. Even though your concern stemmed from a good place in your heart, I couldn’t help but become instantly defensive. Truth is, I was too cowardly to admit that I was, and still am, unsure about where I see myself after college. I am still searching for that epiphany, that joyous lightbulb moment when I finally figure out what career choice I want to pursue for the rest of my life. One day, I will confidently answer your question and make you proud.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not always showing you my appreciation and love for you. Thank you for sending me a plethora of my favorite Asian snacks and drinks just to cheer me up. Thank you for sending me daily reminders to “sleep early” and “eat fruits”. Thank you for making the trip to UVa just to watch me dance on a stage for a few minutes. Thank you for being my rock, my system of support: I love you.

I know that my inevitable screw-ups in the future will contribute to an even longer list of apologies, but I will work harder to make 2018 a better one.