We've all seen these articles. The ones that tell us all the signs we should be looking for in a college roommate or significant other; the ones cataloging the most relatable sit-com moments; the ones revealing the secrets to being a sexual Adonis; the list goes on. Every once in a while, somebody will come up with a creative idea and document it in list form, and that's fine. But far too often, I'm seeing the same ideas rehashed ad-nauseam. So, in the ultimate act of irony, here is my list of lists I'm sick of seeing:
1: (Insert number) questions/comments (insert group of people) are sick of hearing
Yeah. We get it. Groups of people are stereotyped, and therefore first impressions are unfairly formed based on common qualities of said group. Guess how that problem isn't solved? Making a list about it. If people are asking these trite or offensive questions maliciously, congrats, you just streamlined their process of triggering you. But, as crazy as this sounds, people might genuinely be interested about you as a person. Has a sophomore in college been asked their major 473 times since they got home from break? Yes. Is the freshly graduated person inundated with inquiries about their employment plans? Yes. Is the girl that starred in a dirty film that one time because she wanted to get some extra money only to have the video go viral and now everybody has seen her naked sick and tired of hearing questions about if she plans on doing more? Yeah, probably. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to ask. If people have a real interest in your life, these question are going to be asked, regardless of how hackneyed they are.
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2: (insert number) signs you've found your (insert relationship)
The two reasons I can see somebody reading a list like this are: 1) They are actually wondering if their SO/BFF is actually the "right one" for them, and 2) They are just looking for validation, and are not looking for any sort of advice. My response to the first train of thought is: if you're looking to a stranger's internet list to see if your boyfriend really is "the one" or if your best friend is really the best match for you, they probably aren't, and your problems could be better identified and solved through clear communication. As for the second mindset, if you're looking to the list for things that make you say "oh this is so us", here's a hint: you're going to find them. These lists usually have extremely common criteria as they are aimed at satisfying the reader. Like in a list entitled "10 signs your college roommate is your best friend", one of them could very well be "you both share a room number".
3: (insert number) things that (insert gender) are really looking for in (insert gender)
Very similarly to number 2, I can only imagine people reading these lists who are desperate for advice, or looking to reaffirm their way of life. Well, reading them for a good laugh is not out of the question either. The two most common faults of these lists are: (more commonly) either being absurdly general, e.g. "heterosexual men have been found to have a strong partiality for breasts", or (less commonly) weirdly specific and off-base, like "women are saying that all they really want is a good looking man with a steady job, whose main mode of transportation is by pogo stick". Either way the list is not helping anybody. If you're looking for validation, you're probably going to get it, and if you're looking for grounded guidance, not only are you past the point of help, but you also might find yourself wasting money on a pogo stick.
These are the main three categories which I have found to be saturated with banalities and fatuous assertions, although there are other perpetrators. To be clear, I'm not calling for a complete shutdown of list-based articles. Some are clever, original, or even helpful. But until you can muster up enough creative ideas to construct such an article, please spare the rest of us from your unimaginative drivel. I would rather read a compilation of Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz's favorite poems.
