Yesterday I was innocently perusing Facebook when a dreaded list article decided to pop up on my news feed. The subject? ’10 struggles only guys with hot girlfriends will understand.’ As I begrudgingly clicked on the steaming pile of shit disguised as words and sentences in front of me to mock the author’s lack of journalistic skill to make myself feel better, an epiphanous idea glowing brighter than Apple’s ‘Messages’ app at 2 a.m. came to me. My thought process went something like this:
“This article is bad.”
“Anyone could write this.”
“I could write this because I fall into the category of ‘anyone.’”
“I should write a list article on how much I hate list articles!!”
Being the sarcastic asshole that I always am, I have decided to tackle the challenge of something I probably subconsciously promised myself I would never do – write a list article. In lieu of this ceremonious event, I have written an outline of seven topics on why list articles are awful. As for the description of each topic, I will incorporate my ‘in-the-moment’ stream-of-conscious thought process as I write while my roommate incorrectly sings Mumford and Sons' 'The Cave.' Buckle up boys and girls, it’s list time.
♫ And I-hiiiii will hold you close and something something noose around your neck ♫
1. Anyone can write a list article
As I mentioned in the introductory paragraphs, anyone can pump out a list article. (Or maybe you just skipped down to the list because you were curious as to what I have to say about list articles. In that case, welcome to the article, dear reader! I bet you are also the type of person to say that you were going to do laundry today and did not do it. You always take the easy route, don't you? 'It's easier to not do laundry today and it is easier to scroll down to the actual list instead of reading the most important part in this article!' Whatever. I am still flattered that you are still reading this though. Keep on keepin' on.) You could hypothetically sit little seven year old Timmy down in front of a blank Microsoft Word document and get better quality content out of him than a person who apathetically types out a list article.
2. List articles contain no journalistic value
This goes hand-in-hand with topic number one. The purpose of writing, to me, is an expression of the inner-self to say something meaningful and purposeful. Do you honestly think the author of ’10 struggles only guys with hot girlfriends will understand' was trying attempting to express his inner-self? Or even try to say something meaningful and purposeful? Of course not. That being said, this list article is extremely easy to write. It is basically just a glorified outline. In fact this is so easy and effortless, I might as well just do my laundry tomorrow!
3. The format of list articles is baffling
List articles all follow the same format. Introduction, List, ...nothing. There is no conclusion to wrap up the author's thoughts. It just ends. Call me old-fashioned, but your reader should be engaged enough to care about the message you are conveying enough to read your closing thoughts contained in a conclusion as opposed to the 'I can't wait to see what number one is and then go back to Facebook!' mentality.
UPDATE: My roommate has stopped singing 'The Cave.'
4. Padding
All list articles do this. They all have that one stupid topic that does not apply to anything that the author puts in just to inflate his/her numbers. 'Damn it! I can only think of nine reasons why Walk the Moon is the best band ever! I need one more to get a nice, round ten!' All list article writers have been here. Except for me, because quite frankly I do not give a shit. Ooooh I have seven topics instead of five or ten! That prime number that is also not divisible by five will lesser readership, right?! Anyways, in lieu of padding, here is a picture of me and my cat that has no business being anywhere in this article.
5. List articles are mere clickbait
The best example of this are articles along the lines of '20 things only 90's kids will remember!' Which prompts the article's Millennial target audience to promptly think to themselves 'I was born/grew up in the nineties! Let's see if I know everything in this article!' Congratulations clickbait taker, now that you know that other people know what Bubble Tape is, you have something in common with 75.3 million other people.
6. List articles that are slideshows are the worst thing ever
Next to the Holocaust and trickle-down economics, list articles that double as slideshows are the worst thing to ever exist. They not only take forever to get through, but your back button becomes utterly useless, you get to see at least five advertisements that do not pertain to your wants/needs, and companies make more money off of more 'page views' for their scumbaggery.
7. List articles are trite
As much as I would like to vocalize my opinion on the 'list article fad,' I just do not believe list articles are going to go away any time soon. They first sucked us Millennials in with their catchy, promising titles and thoroughly disappointed us (or at least me), and now our parents are getting into them. OUR PARENTS. You know, the ones who are, like, a year behind everything technology-wise and who are totally not cool. You cannot go a single day in today's list-article-fandom society without seeing one tucked away in your news feed. When will we get sick of them? When our parents start sharing them? Well I have got some news for you. It is already happening. Dun dun dun....
I have decided to go against the typical list article format here and include a conclusion. Usually these types of things contain a 'call to action,' so here is mine. For the love of God, please stop writing list articles. I will reiterate. PLEASE STOP WRITING LIST ARTICLES. To all of my fellow Odyssey writers, I urge you to think about what you are contributing to the journalistic stratosphere. Write from your heart, not for page views. Write because you love writing, not because writing list articles is an easy task. Write for yourself, not for others. And write because you have something to say. Everyone has something to say, whether it be a dissenting opinion from the cultural norm or the story of how you saved a homeless cat and what Mr. Snickers means to you now, I want to read about it, and if other people don't, then who cares. At least you have written something you can look back and say, "I'm proud I wrote that."
