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Coming Soon to a Theater Near you: [Insert Movie Title Here]

The Movie Review to End All Movie Reviews

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Coming Soon to a Theater Near you: [Insert Movie Title Here]
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Hollywood has done it once again! [Insert Movie Title Here] has proven that with stellar previews from some of the studio's hand picked audience, wonderfully brief and flashy marketing, and an adorably fun cast, people will call anything a good movie.


Ah yes, this was one of the most anticipated movies of the summer, according to every other commercial that was airing on my daily marathon of The Real Housewives of the Television Ratings. [Insert Movie Title Here] stars that lovable ensemble cast of characters that you've seen in every single movie or television show for the past 2 years trying desperately not to be the next B-List. You have the goofy yet lovable weirdo (screw-ups of all ages love his wacky antics!) The gruff ex-solider who learns to love again (Relationship drama is a good replacement for actual character development, right?) The oddly sexualized relatable, "average" teenage girl (she's just trying to fight zombie-alien-shark-jocks and make it to prom looking great.) These wonderfully 2-dimensional characters are among other cast members you aren't supposed to care about because the marketing department forgot to put them in the promos. Having all of them on screen at the same time surly makes it feel like there is at least one fleshed out character. The dynamic between all the cast members feels like the kind of interaction you'd have with your good friends, whom you've previously payed millions of dollars to be your good friends. I mean, look at the interviews between the cast, doesn't it look like fun? Don't you want to be there with them enjoying their good time? Well now you can for a whopping $13 (Plus the lobster dinner in the shape of terrible popcorn) for only 8 minutes a piece of course! We wouldn't want them to work too hard for that Oscar!

When you go and see this absolute masterpiece of a film, make sure you listen closely for the actual example of dialog, as it will be hard to hear over the monstrous special effects to enhance your movie experience. The FX made me feel as though I was really there during the end of the world or an average day during US occupation in a foreign country. I felt like all the explosions and death were right next to me, sure took my mind off of the explosions and death! You can really tell that all of the greatest special effect artists were gathered to fully remake the movie using CGI (computer generated images.) I think I saw a real rock for a second, I'll have to ask the director to fix that in the inevitable "1 Year Anniversary Special Edition Directors Cut" for $200. Can you say preordered!? Nevertheless the graphics made me understand the true need for CGI in movies, as I didn't have to stretch my mind to any point to understand the movie, I just watched the pretty colors all fly across the screen every 5 seconds!

The plot is one of the most important aspects of a movie in my opinion. When a movie is lacking a good or sensible plot, it really takes a way from the whole experience for me. How really good can the storytelling be without an interesting story to tell?
....
Oh, you want to know about the plot in this film? Why do you care? What are you a critic? Plots aren't for us!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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