After a long night of watching turbulent news and educating ignorant peers on why Islamophobia is not a justified political opinion, there is nothing better than unwinding with a good book. While many of you may be enjoying the latest Harry Potter novel, tonight I am choosing to read another riveting piece of literature: your Tinder bio.
Ah, yes. And like any creative nonfiction, Tinder bios have certain motifs that need to be unearthed and deeply analyzed to grasp its full meaning. Lucky for you, I already have. Although this is largely limited to the profiles of South Floridian men in my local area, I am certain these 21 themes will resonate.
1. "Not here to play games."
Conversely, also "looking for a girl play Pokemon Go with."
2. Very long bio regarding the "crazy" women who have hurt them in the past, but assures you that he WILL move on to find a cool girl to "eat pizza with."
Note: does not respond well to pet name "Papa John."
3. "420 blaze it."
Accompanied with aptly chosen emojis (ie: tree, leaf, occasionally suggesting forest fire).
4. "6ft... if that matters."
I mean... well maybe? But why the aggressive tone?
5. "Swipe left if you're a feminist."
Profile picture is a meme.
6. "Heritage not hate."
Has confederate flag belt buckle.
7. "Florida grown."
WHY THE DEAD FISH? WHY SO MANY DEAD FISH?
8. "I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."
Please stop plagiarizing Ron Burgundy. "Anchorman" was just an okay movie. Like, that's not even the best quote in the film?
9. "I love girls who message first."
Usually the bio of a high school acquaintance whom you swore was in a relationship?
10. "Not looking for a relationship."
**Is looking for hookups.
11. "Not looking to hookup."
**Is looking for hookups.
12. "Here in Florida for the week. Looking for new friends!"
**Is looking for hookups.
13. "That's my sister."
Well that clears up the question of who got the looks in the family.
14. "I play guitar... You could be the title of my next song."
Will message you with link to mediocre Soundcloud. Can only play four chords. Pray he does not write a song about you.
15. "Eats booty."
Oddly enough, usually pictured with mom.
16. Has no bio.
Has good camera quality. Hair too nice in candid photo. 24-years-old. Probably a fake account.
17. "I love lifting weights and going to the gym."
Has various shirtless dirty mirror photo. Crops out face in each one. Regularly uses the winky face emoji.
18. "Idk why I'm on here. Lol my friend made this account. Tinder is dumb."
Sure.
19. "... No one reads these."
AU CONTRAIRE, MONSIEUR.
20. "I'm 18 idk why it says 22."
7/10 times this is your middle school best friend's little brother. I promise.
21. "Just looking for someone to spend my Sundays with now that Game of Thrones is over."
That, my friends... that is the bio of my new best friend.
(Rare photo of me swiping right.)
It is my prayer that the next time you Tinder, you slow up on the swiping. Read Justin 21's bio. You might find that all you need a good bedtime story to quench the thirst.
