Seasonal Depression, you know it's coming but you can't stop it. As the weather gets colder I can feel my mood change. It happens without my consent and I can't do anything about it.
I once was on medication for it but I stopped taking it because it made me fake happy. I was lagging hard and sleepwalking through life. I didn't want that, so I quit. It's been a roller coaster to say the least.
I'd like to say it's been easy, but it hasn't been. There is an uphill battle that I fight every single day. People often ask me what is wrong and all I can say is "I don't know..." They roll their eyes because they don't understand or think I am lying but the problem is, I really don't know whats wrong, I just know I feel sad and alone.
I will say that I am not alone. I have a lot of love and support around me but when it hits nothing seems to help and I hate it. I am trapped in my own mind. I feel like I let people down or don't show them how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate what they do.
Everyday is a battle with myself to wake up and go out. I never really want to but life calls. My thoughts are deep and skeptical and I never fully feel like myself. I am always doubting myself and hiding in my room and its not always because of other people, it's mostly because of what's going on in my head.
Some days I just need to work things out on my own, others days I need help. Unfortunately I never really know until I wake up and see how I feel that day.
Basically when the cold weather rolls in I can't help how I feel. I become distant but that doesn't mean that people should take it as me being mean, maybe they should think about how sometimes people are fighting their own battles.
My battle is far from over but I hope that one day I can help people understand that seasonal depression does exist and that it effects many people. Some days are worse than others. I can never fully explain how I feel but it's nice to have support and people who care.
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