Ask anyone who knows me well and they will likely tell you that I am sarcastic. It is an affliction that has plagued me since my youth. In fact, my freshman year of high school I even won the award for most sarcastic in the theatre department. Trust me, I was soo excited. While I don’t want to read too much into it, as I’m sure we’ve all heard the random "facts" on Tumblr posts that “sarcastic people are smarter than average people” or “sarcasm is often used a coping mechanism for depression”. I am not a psychologist, nor, I suspect, are the people who made these types of posts. However, I have, in my 21 years of sarcastic expertise, noticed a few things that tend to happen when you are fluent in this quippy second language. (Or third for my real bilingual friends).

For a while no one knows how to read you.

This circumstance was particularly true for me when I first started at a new workplace. For MONTHS no one could tell if I was seriously suggesting we close the pool 45 minutes early until I cracked a smile and said, “kidding!” and their mouth smiled, but their eyes were still filled with confusion.

You literally cannot stop.

At this point if someone told me they would punch me in the face if I were sarcastic one more time, I would be coming to school with a black eye, because I just canNOT STOP. I’ve tried, and I've gotten better around people I don't know well yet, but trust me. If we engage in a conversation long enough I will be sarcastic. Know that I am sorry, but that is just who I am as a person.

Talking with children can be tough.

Kids have not yet learned the art form that is sarcasm. They will often think you are being serious or will be mad at you for lying to them. Keep in mind, every child is different, so I use the term loosely. Some gifted and talented children like myself will excel and boast their abilities before reaching double digits..and some will live well into their thirties and beyond, in ignorant bliss (if not mild confusion) assuming that not everyone is an ass who thinks lie-talking is funny.

You are annoying AF.

It was not until I met someone more sarcastic than myself (I know, how the hell is that possible?? Trust me, I was shocked,too) did I realize the trials and tribulations I must have put my family and friends in for years. Not being clear about what is a joke and what is the truth, or saying hurtful things without realizing it is a real issue we chronic sarcasm-ers must consider when talking to those around us. Know that we don’t mean it, we love you, and if we knew how to stop we would.

Meeting your sense of humor soulmate is a big deal.

Only so many times in your life will someone with the same level of sarcasm come into your life and grace you with their asshole-ish presence. One day you’ll just be sitting there, conversing with others, dropping your usual sarcasm on your group of friends who at this point have become accustom to it. Instead of being met with the usual laughter, your sarcastic partner will up the game, lobbing your quip back at you. Suddenly, you feel a spark inside you. What’s that? A rival? Soon the two of you will go back and forth, with increasing levels of deprecation and wit, until one of can no longer outdo the other. While you have just been defeated, you’ve never felt more alive. And whether you become friends, or just see each other in passing, you know that somewhere in this great-big world, is a jerk who always knows when you’re being sarcastic. Because they are, too.