A few weeks ago I was out on one of my nightly walks, and I was contemplating something that a friend had passively told me: "I know you’re on it [Facebook] every day, but it’s getting old to me." I know he didn’t mean for it to sound like he thought I was dependent on it or that I was an attention-seeker, but that’s how I registered that information. I wasn't offended, but I realized he was kind of right. Just the other night I had posted three separate things within the span of an hour. This realization made me feel weak, and even more so, it made me realize how truly alone I was. Walking in the dark, around midnight, I had no one but myself to talk to… and it was like this every night. When I got home it was an impromptu decision to disconnect from social media: I deactivated Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, and I’ve never been an avid Twitter user.

I have, in the past, attempted to deactivate my Facebook account. Sometimes I was overwhelmed with emotion and would try to run away from the world; other times I would make a public statement before I departed in an attempt to acquire attention-- hoping people would notice me so I wouldn’t actually have to leave. This time was different though. It was an impromptu decision to "unplug" myself, but it wasn’t fueled by irrational emotion. I just realized that what I was sharing wasn’t important, and I no longer really cared about making sure the world knew I existed. I guess I was tired of fighting for attention. Although, if I’m completely honest a small part of me did wonder how many people would notice I was gone without the “Hey everyone, I’m taking a break from Facebook,” status.

Going without social media was a lot easier than I expected it to be. Aside from the physical reflex of typing “Facebook” into the search bar of my computer, I had no urge to reactivate my account. I wasn’t terribly concerned about missing the myriad of politically tinged posts, whiny statuses, or the multitudes of engagement and baby announcements. I didn’t feel obligated to share what I was doing. What I found odd were the little lines or lyrics that would run through my head throughout the day that I felt compelled to share—not compelled enough to go back, but compelled enough to make me realize how much I was used to sharing pointless thoughts. Something I continue to question is why do we feel compelled to share the things that we do?

I discovered that I need the social support that Facebook and other social media forums provide to keep myself on track with the goals I set for myself. When I would post about working out or not drinking caffeine I felt like I made a commitment, not just to myself, but to an entire network of people—whether they actually cared or not. Once I put it out into the world that I was going to do something, I wanted to follow through. I told myself that in August I wouldn’t drink energy drinks, pop, or alcohol… I broke all three a week after deactivating my Facebook account. I also haven’t gone on a walk or a run since then, despite all the extra free time I have from not spending hours scrolling through my newsfeed.

I’ve noticed a drastic decrease in the amount of selfies I take, or pictures in general for that matter. For some reason they don’t seem important unless I intend to share them, which I realize now is very conceited of me. It’s like going to someone’s house for the first time and they drag out all of their baby pictures and photo albums and ask you to look through them—no one really wants to see that. Why would I think I’m any different? No one really needs to see my face, my hair, my clothes, my dog, my food, or anything really. Of course I’ve speculated that I share those things because I’m insecure about myself, and that I’m looking for the confidence that 50+ likes on a photo gives me. However, I realize now that’s not a long-term solution to my self-esteem issues, because no matter how many pictures or statuses I post, and despite the accumulation of positive feedback and likes, I continue to feel the need to strive for more. I guess that should have been obvious, but I keep questioning when is enough going to be enough?

I was only away from social media for about two weeks before I reinstated to use it as a tool to promote my articles. I would have liked to have remained “off the grid” for longer, but it’s difficult to deny the perks of a social media outlet. Hopefully the short time I’ve spent being “unplugged” will influence the amount of time and energy I invest in “promoting myself”. Hopefully I have a better understanding on what is worth sharing. Unfortunately I didn’t have any epiphanies about who I am outside of social media (how could I only after two weeks?), but I did realize a few things. I’m a little sad. A little lonely. A little needy. And a little ok with it.