Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here?

These are questions I had asked myself for years, but never took the time to answer them or understand their depth. 

I had focused on the material things for far too long - as many of us millennials have been taught from the beginning. This satisfied me for the first 19 years of my life. I was totally ok with the idea of "fitting in" and just going along with the flow of my life (or so I thought). Taking each day as it came and following the same, cookie-cutter routine. It wasn't until the beginning of this year, 2018, that I really sat down to organize my thoughts, feelings, ideals, and everything in between.

The first thing I realized it that I truly wasn't satisfied with who I was as a person. I had no idea who I had become and more than anything I wanted to alter my path to become who I had always aspired to be. I had let these generic ideas of what life is supposed to be overshadow the true potential I have inside of me (and that you all have inside of you, too.) I became too comfortable with my mindset. The one that is "go, go, go" all of the time and always thinking so far in advance that I neglected to enjoy the now. 

I realized this by sitting down. Not just one day - this doesn't happen over night. But on several occasions I would sit and just think. Not about what's going on in my life or what tomorrow may bring. But, I thought about my thoughts and my feelings; where they come from, why I believe in them, and what I can do with those thoughts and feelings. (AKA deep shit, lol.) And whether or not to let them bother me anymore or deciding if action should be taken. Things like that. Also, I took into account the relationships in my life. Assessed their healthiness and what they bring / whether they were beneficial or toxic. If I realized the relationship was poor I would take a step back to analyze what the cause may be and address it accordingly. I also did this with some of the issues I have dealt with in the past. My "demons," some would say. I looked them straight into the eyes and attempted to sort things out between us. I did this because you really must let go of the past in order to move forward. I've heard it a million times before, but not until I addressed each major issue did I realize how refreshing it is to let go of the past. It wasn't fair to myself to let things out of my control at this point, hinder what the future has to offer. Looking back and now trying to wrap this up, it's hard to describe the hours that I spent aligning all of these thoughts I had, but let me tell you - it was worth it.

This reflection was the kick-starter to finding myself. It opened my mind and allowed me to see where the choices in my life were coming from. I now felt much more in control of my life and prepared for future decisions. I do this every day now, and I can't believe I had neglected myself and my mental well-being for so long. I used to feel like my life was a tornado. Swirling around me, never-ending and non-apologetic. My days would move 100 miles per hour and I hadn't felt truly alive until I tied all of my loose ends. I have a much clearer idea of who I am now. I feel like I will never be 100% confident in the answer to that question, but I have a better understanding of what I believe in, the emotions I have toward certain things, the relationships I maintain, what my interests are, and things I devote my time to. It feels so good to have a grasp on those aspects of my life. 

I have vastly different priorities than I did before. In the past, like I said, I had focused so much on material things and what my outward image was to others. I had put my true self on the back burner to showcase this person that I really wanted to believe was me, but couldn't have been further from who I am. I reflected heavily on body image and social media, too. I used to put unbelievable amounts of pressure on myself to maintain societies definition of "perfection." I could write a novel on my opinion regarding that, but to keep this brief - it's bullshit. Perfection isn't a standard. It's being who you are. This took me 19 years to realize, but it has changed my life. During my reflecting, I picked up on the fact that the type of person you are absolutely overshadows your appearance. This is what really pushed me to become that person and to decrease the emphasis I placed on my body image. This goes hand in hand with social media. I'm embarrassed to admit, but for a bulk of my teenage years, social media was at the top of my priority list. So sad, but I spent so much time not only showcasing my page, but viewing pages of others. Making comparisons and letting things I saw affect my view of myself. That was a big hurdle I made myself jump, but I can finally say that social media has significantly less of an effect on me. Sure, I still use it and appreciate how it allows us to communicate, but I'm done pretending my life is perfect. Instead, my aim with social media is to use it as a way to document things I'm up to, to hype up my friend's posts, and post some inspiring quotes from time to time. But I refuse to let it dictate my thoughts anymore.

I think the most incredible thing I gained from this reflection is the confidence to chase new opportunity. Before, I was timid, hesitant, and submissive. I would let people walk all over me and allow their opinions define my worth. One negative remark from somebody would crush my confidence and leave me defeated. I now know that the only opinion of me that matters, is my own. If I'm happy with myself - that's all that matters. I realized this by simply embracing the fact that this is my life: I am in control of my own destiny. No matter how many times I would hear it or read it, I didn't fully understand the impact of that statement until I felt it in my soul. This year I finally realized that I don't have to be a people-pleaser anymore. I don't have to walk the line that I had painted for myself during my darkest days. I could alter the path at any time I wanted, and that time was now. Before, I was so scared of failure that I never would try. I would stay in the background and let opportunities slip through my fingertips. Now, with a level-headed confidence I have the power to say "you've got this!!" I shoot my shot when I come across something I'm passionate about. I go after that leadership position I once thought I was unqualified for. I strive for my goals without doubt and even if it doesn't work in my favor, I no longer beat myself up over failures. Failures are learning experiences. They ground you. They teach you. They motivate you. Failure is not guaranteed, so having the confidence to go after your dreams will pay off no matter what.

Because I see myself in a different light, I my view of others has also changed. I have found that I'm far more sympathetic and willing to reach out to others. I have always had a huge heart - that is one of my only qualities I've been confident about since the beginning. But, I absolutely now have more appreciation for other people. I used to seek admiration from others, but now I love to send positivity their way. It's so much more rewarding to give than receive. I use this mindset when it comes to kind words, too. I now make it a point to make people smile because I once needed that person in my life. Everyone's just trying to get by in this world and it doesn't help to be rude to others. Even if it is not returned, I really just make it a goal to be kind to everyone. We have no idea what someone else may be going through in their life, so judgement is uncalled for. I really thought about how kindness from others makes me feel, and that motivated me to reach out to others in the same way that I would like them to reach out to me. 

Aside from those major points, I also started making much more time for myself and the things I like to do for enjoyment. I have always been fascinated with photography and this year, I finally bought my own camera. I make time each week to take photos of the world around me. Photography makes me feel centered and in control of my life. Yoga makes me feel those same things and is another pastime that I had neglected for too long. I began practicing yoga again and it truly has been beneficial to my mind, body, and soul. I have also began reading for pleasure and it allows me to escape reality for a little while and to emerge myself into a world of imagination. In the real world, I have devoted time to making it feel more real. I spend a lot less time on the phone and a lot more time with my loved ones and with nature. Being outside grounds me and gives me the crucial time to appreciate God's beautiful Earth. I feel much more in-tune with who I am and confident with where I am in my life because of this time spent doing the things I love.

We all have a purpose and we all have control over what that purpose is, how we choose to reach it, and most of all, who we want to become in the process. Life is full of so many beautiful opportunities if you allow yourself to go after them. I realize, that life can also be a major pain - I've been a victim of it's wrath one too many times. But, it's how you bounce back and keep moving forward that defines your character. Assessing my priorities and sorting out my thoughts has been one of the best decisions of my life. I am so glad I had this realization early enough in my life, so I can enter this new decade as a strong and more confident woman. 

I don't know what set the fire in me to do some soul searching, but I highly recommend it. Taking time for yourself is SO important and can make every other aspect of your life seem to fall into place. There is no step-by-step guide to finding yourself like the internet may suggest. That's why I wrote this article in the format that I did. That's why it may seem vague, because all of those "thoughts" and "feelings" are unique to you and your life experiences. Everyone goes through things differently and has different perspectives on the world. To make a change or, rather, to see things more clearly - you have to make the decision yourself.